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About Alex Shvartsman
Alex Shvartsman is a writer, editor, and translator from Brooklyn, NY. Over 100 of his short stories appeared in various magazines and anthologies since 2010, including Analog, Nature, Strange Horizons, etc. He's the winner of the 2014 WSFA Small Press Award for Short Fiction.
He edits the Unidentified Funny Objects series of anthologies and Future Science Fiction Digest. His other projects as editor include The Cackle of Cthulhu (Baen Books), Humanity 2.0 (Arc Manor/Phoenix Pick), Coffee: 14 Caffeinated Tales of the Fantastic (UFO Publishing) and Dark Expanse: Surviving the Collapse (Deorc Enterprises).
You can visit his official home page and blog at alexshvartsman.com
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We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea--whether it is to sail or to watch it--we are going back from whence we came.”
- John F. Kennedy
Underwater cities, lost civilizations, crops, climate change, and dead zones.
In this collection of ocean-themed stories, twelve of today’s top speculative fiction writers explore our morality, our built-in societal restraints, and reflect upon our state of grace.
The waves roll in, the waves roll out.
“OCEANS: The Anthology” features stories from bestselling authors such as winner of the Nebula, Hugo, and World Fantasy awards Ken Liu, Rysa Walker (the Chronos series), Daniel Arthur Smith (Tales from the Canyons of the Damned), R.D. Brady (the Belial series), Alex Shvartsman (the Unidentified Funny Objects series), P.K. Tyler (the UnCommon series), plus six more of today’s top authors in speculative and science fiction.
Daniel Arthur Smith presents OCEANS: THE ANTHOLOGY, book 2 of the 2 book Frontiers of Speculative Fiction series that began with the top-ranking CLONES: The Anthology!
What if the United States had gone to war with the Soviet Union? What if these rival superpowers had fought on land, sea, air, and the astral plane? What if the Soviets and Americans had struggled for dominion across parallel dimensions or on the surface of the moon? How would the world have changed? What wonders would have been unveiled? What terrors would have haunted mankind from those dark and dismal dimensions? Come closer, peer through a glass darkly, and discover the horrifying alternative visions of World War III from some of today’s greatest minds in science fiction, fantasy, and horror.
Includes new stories by David Drake, Brad R. Torgersen, Mike Resnick, Sarah A. Hoyt, and many more!
About the Contributors:
“Drake couldn’t write a bad action scene at gunpoint.”—Booklist on David Drake
"He's one of the most talented authors I've ever read."—Larry Correia on Brad R. Torgersen
“[A] tour de force: logical, built from assumptions with no contradictions . . . gripping.”—Jerry Pournelle on Sarah A. Hoyt
"Lostetter remains at the forefront of innovation in hard science fiction.”—Publishers Weekly on Marina J. Lostetter
Brad R. Torgersen
Kevin Andrew Murphy
Dr. Xander Lostetter and Marina J. Lostetter
Martin L. Shoemaker
Sarah A. Hoyt
Deborah A. Wolf
Peter J. Wacks and Bryan Thomas Schmidt
Eric James Stone
Sean Patrick Hazlett is an Army veteran, speculative fiction writer and editor, and finance executive in the San Francisco Bay area. He holds an AB in history and BS in electrical engineering from Stanford University, and a master's degree in public policy from the Harvard Kennedy School of Government. As a cavalry officer serving in the elite 11th Armored Cavalry Regiment, he trained various Army and Marine Corps units for war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Sean is a 2017 winner of the Writers of the Future Contest. More than forty of his short stories have appeared in publications such as The Year’s Best Military and Adventure SF, Year’s Best Hardcore Horror, Terraform, Galaxy’s Edge, Writers of the Future, Grimdark Magazine, Vastarien, and Abyss & Apex, among others. He is an active member of the Horror Writers Association and Codex Writers’ Group. This anthology is his first.
Exactly! I've come to tickle your funnybone.
Oh, and also to eat your soul.
In 1928, Weird Tales debuted “The Call of Cthulhu” by H.P. Lovecraft, and the Cthulhu Mythos was born. In the 90 years since, dozens of writers have dared play within HPL’s mind-blowing creation—but never with such terrifyingly funny results. Now top authors lampoon, parody, and subvert Lovecraft’s Mythos. See Cthulhu cut short his nap at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean to invade North Korea! Watch the Unspeakable Eater of Souls solve crimes on the pulpy streets of Innsmouth! And speaking of largish Elder Gods, listen to a plastic Elvis doll dispense folksy advice straight from the heart of the Emperor of Dread! Again Ol’ Tentacle-Face is confronted by frail humans who dare defy the Incarnation of Ultimate Evil—but this time not by brave monster hunters and terrified villagers, but by fan fiction writers, clueless college students, and corporate lawyers (okay, we realize it’s hard to know who to root for in that confrontation).
Twenty-three mirthful manifestations within the Cthulhu Mythos from best-selling and award-winning authors Neil Gaiman, Mike Resnick, Esther Friesner, Ken Liu, Jody Lynn Nye, Laura Resnick, Nick Mamatas, and many more!
Guaranteed to leave you howling. Because if you look at it just right, there’s nothing funnier than a soul writhing in cosmic horror before a tentacled maw of malevolence. As HPL himself saith: “From even the greatest of horrors irony is seldom absent.”
At the publisher's request, this title is sold without DRM (Digital Rights Management).
Praise for the Unidentified Funny Objects anthologies, edited by Alex Shvartsman:
“This book is a delight. There are a lot of giggles here, and every now and then you’ll laugh your head off. This is a hoot from start to finish.”—Galaxy’s Edge
“Shvartsman delivers a wonderful anthology and if you want to broaden your humorous SFF reading, Unidentified Funny Objects is a great place to start.”— A Fantastical Librarian
Praise for Alex Shvartsman:
“Shvartsman is an entertaining writer who can take on many voices and make them his.” –Locus
“Alex Shvartsman’s comedy is bright and direct with clever dialogue of both the inner and outer sort.”—Tangent Online
Complete Contributor List:
Jody Lynn Nye
Shaenon K. Garrity
Rachael Klahn Jones
Lucy A. Snyder
Original stories by David Vaughan, Jody Lynn Nye, Mike Resnick, Brian Trent, Yvonne Navarro, G. Scott Huggins, Gini Koch, Aidan Doyle, Amanda Helms, Laura Resnick, Laura Pearlman, Lucy Snyder, and Nick Mamatas.
Reprints by Esther Friesener, Kevin Wetmore, Shaenon K. Garrity, Alex Shvatsman, Ken Liu, Rachael K. Jones, Neil Gaiman, Konstantine Paradias, and Matt Mikalatos.
Continuing a great tradition, Chicks and Balances is not what you might think (or it is what you think, depending on which way your mind runs). What we have here is a bunch of perfectly healthy women who happen to be of the brass-bra-wearing and chain-link bikinis sort. Each is fighting in her own way for the freedom to express herself--often by thrusting sword through a censor's black heart! Be glad, the chicks in chainmail are back, and they will not be oppressed, repressed, or depressed!
All new adventures of fearless women warriors by Eric Flint, creator of the Ring of Fire alternate history series; Nebula-winning author Harry Turtledove; Jody Lynn Nye, co-author of the national best seller The Ship Who Won; Campbell Award-winner Wen Spencer, and many more, including the inimitable Esther Friesner herself, as fantasy adventure takes a turn for the lighter side.
Jody Lynn Nye
Jim C. Hines
Elizabeth A. Vaughan
Kerrie L. Hughes
Steven Harper Piziks
Julie S. Mandala
Sarah A. Hoyt
Robin Wayne Bailey
Dean Wesley Smith
Elizabeth Ann Scarborough
Kristine Kathryn Rusch
Chicks in Chainmail
Turn the Other Chick
The Chick's in the Mail
Chicks 'n Chained Males
Did You Say Chicks?!
Chicks and Balances
At the publisher's request, this title is sold without DRM (Digital Rights Management).
Esther Friesner is a winner twice over of the Nebula Award (for the Year's Best Short Story, 1995 and 1996), and is the author of twenty-nine novels and more than one hundred short stories. She has also edited six anthologies, including the popular Chicks in Chainmail series for Baen. Her works have been published in the UK, Japan, Germany, Russia, France, and Italy. She lives in Connecticut.
* An elder god trapped in a pocket dimension turns up in the world's oldest magic pawn shop.
* A cybernetically-enhanced assassin who can't feel pain faces a dangerous adversary.
* A computer hacker and a mystic team up to break into the Book of Fate and change their futures.
* Vatican investigators are called to examine a miracle on another planet.
and much, much more!
The e-book includes 23 bonus stories not featured in the printed edition, for a total of 63 stories! Each story includes author notes, written for this collection.
Praise for "Explaining Cthulhu to Grandma":
"Wit, sentiment, imagination--Alex Shvartsman's got them all." -Mike Resnick, Hugo award winner.
"Fantastic variety and scope ... Prepare to be entertained, delighted and amazed." -Esther Friesner, Nebula award winner.
"His stories feature tightly constructed, intricate, puzzle-like plots with clever banter and plenty of fresh, twisted pop culture references." -Ken Liu, Hugo and Nebula award winner
"Full of intriguing ideas and wit." -Jody Lynn Nye, bestselling author
"A wonderful collection of short stories that will make you laugh, think and feel." -Gini Koch, bestselling author
"If you ever need to explain Cthulhu to your Grandma, this is the place to start." -Henry Gee, senior editor at Nature.
Inside you will find a zombear, tweeting aliens, down-on-their-luck vampires, time twisting belly dancers, moon Nazis, stoned computers, omnivorous sex-maniac pandas, and a spell-casting Albert Einstein.
WARNING: Some stories contain R-rated content and are inappropriate for minors, nuns, and anyone who lacks a sense of humor.
Includes the following stories:
“El and Al vs. Himmler’s Horrendous Horde from Hell” by Mike Resnick
“The Alchemist’s Children” by Nathaniel Lee
“Moon Landing” by Lavie Tidhar
“Fight Finale from the Near Future” by James Beamon
“Love Thy Neighbors” by Ken Liu
“The Alien Invasion As Seen In The Twitter Stream of @dweebless” by Jake Kerr
“Dreaming Harry” by Stephanie Burgis
“The Last Dragon Slayer” by Chuck Rothman
“The Real Thing” by Don Sakers
“2001 Revisited via 1969″ by Bruce Golden
“The Working Stiff” by Matt Mikalatos
“Temporal Shimmies” by Jennifer Pelland
“One-Hand Tantra” by Ferrett Steinmetz
“Of Mat and Math” by Anatoly Belilovsky
“Timber!” by Scott Almes
“Go Karts of the Gods” by Michael Kurland
“No Silver Lining” by Zach Shephard
“If You Act Now” by Sergey Lukyanenko
“My Kingdom for a Horse” by Stephen D. Rogers
“First Date” by Jamie Lackey
“All I Want for Christmas” by Siobhan Gallagher
“Venus of Willendorf” by Deborah Walker
“An Unchanted Sword” by Jeff Stehman
“The Day They Repossessed my Zombies” by K.G. Jewell
“The Fifty One Suitors of Princess Jamatpie” by Leah Cypess
“The Secret Life of Sleeping Beauty” by Charity Tahmaseb
“The Velveteen Golem” by David Sklar
“The Worm’s Eye View” by Jody Lynn Nye
“Cake from Mars” by Marko Kloos
* Cranky Goblin Cooks
* Unscrupulous Chemists
* Lecherous Space Pirates
* Disagreeable Alien Symbiotes
* Soul-Searching Snot Elementals
The Unidentified Funny Objects series serves an annual dose of funny. zany, and unusual science fiction and fantasy stories. All-new fiction from the genre's top voices! Our sixth volume features a Mad Amos story by Alan Dean Foster, a Harry the Book tale by Mike Resnick, and an Alexander Outland short by Gini Koch. Jim Hines reimagines a Game of Thrones with goblins in it, Ken Liu begs a sentient AI to spare him, and Esther Friesner takes us on a tour of Chelm, complete with dragons and gratuitous footnotes. There are also tales of an interdimensional secret agent, a warrior-writer on a quest from an evil god, a necromancer intent on rehabilitating the image of his profession, and many more.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Foreword by Alex Shvartsman
“A Game of Goblins” by Jim C. Hines
“The Breakdown of Parasite/Host Relationship” by Paul R. Hardy
“From This She Makes a Living?” by Esther Friesner
“Twenty-Nine Responses to Inquiries About My Craigslist Post: Alien Spaceship for Sale $200, You Haul” by Tina Connolly
“Tyler the Snot Elemental Scours the Newspaper, Searching for Change” by Zach Shephard
“Agent of Chaos” by Jack Campbell
“Display of Affection” by P. J. Sambeaux
“The Great Manhattan Eat-Off” by Mike Resnick
“An Evil Opportunity Employer” by Lawrence Watt-Evans
“Common Scents” by Jody Lynn Nye
“A Mountain Man and a Cat Walk into a Bar” by Alan Dean Foster
“Lost and Found” by Laura Resnick
“A Crawlspace Full of Prizes” by Bill Ferris
“Return to Sender” by Melissa Mead
“The Friendly Necromancer” by Rod M. Santos
“An Open Letter to the Sentient AI Who Has Announced Its Intention to Take Over the Earth” by Ken Liu
“Approved Expense” by David Vierling
“Alexander Outland: Space Jockey” by Gini Koch
“Dear Joyce” by Langley Hyde
“Impress Me, Then We’ll Talk About the Money” by Tatiana Ivanova (translated from Russian by Alex Shvartsman)
The Unidentified Funny Objects series delivers an annual dose of funny, zany, and unusual science fiction and fantasy stories. All-new fiction from the genre's top voices!
* A long time ago in a galaxy close enough not to violate any copyrights, the clone army fighting for the side of the evil empire is made up of a bunch of bros named Chad.
* Can a couple of wise guys from New Jersey broker a sit down between two groups of warring aliens?
* Witness an epic battle of mad science vs. dark magic.
* US presidents elected in 1860 and 1960 were both assassinated. What's going to happen to whoever's elected in 2060?
* Beware the dragon polite enough to return your drone after it breached the barriers between worlds and bonked him on the snout.