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About Alex Shvartsman
Alex Shvartsman is a writer, editor, and translator from Brooklyn, NY. He's the author of The Middling Affliction (Caezik, 2022) and Eridani's Crown (UFO Publishing, 2019) fantasy novels.
Over 120 of his short stories appeared in various magazines and anthologies since 2010, including Analog, Nature, Strange Horizons, etc. He's the winner of the 2014 WSFA Small Press Award for Short Fiction.
He edits the Unidentified Funny Objects series of anthologies and Future Science Fiction Digest. His other projects as editor include The Cackle of Cthulhu (Baen Books), Humanity 2.0 (Arc Manor/Phoenix Pick), Coffee: 14 Caffeinated Tales of the Fantastic (UFO Publishing) and Dark Expanse: Surviving the Collapse (Deorc Enterprises).
You can visit his official home page and blog at alexshvartsman.com
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Titles By Alex Shvartsman
Discover what happened when Agent Franks took on the Nazis in World War Two. Uncover how the Vatican’s Combat Exorcists deal with Old Ones in Mexico. And find out exactly what takes place in a turf war between trailer park elves and gnomes. From the most powerful of mystical beings to MHI’s humble janitor, see the world of professional monster hunting like never before.
Featuring seventeen all new tales based on Larry Correia’s bestselling series, from New York Times best-selling authors Jim Butcher, John Ringo, Jessica Day George, Jonathan Maberry, Faith Hunter, and many more.
Jessica Day George
John C. Wright
Brad R. Torgersen
Jody Lynn Nye
Quincy J. Allen
Bryan Thomas Schmidt & Julie C. Frost
Sarah A. Hoyt
At the publisher's request, this title is sold without DRM (Digital Rights Management).
About Larry Correia and the Monster Hunter International series:
“[E]verything I like in fantasy: intense action scenes, evil in horrifying array, good struggling against the darkness, and most of all people—gorgeously flawed human beings faced with horrible moral choices that force them to question and change and grow.”—Jim Butcher
“[A] no-holds-barred all-out page turner that is part science fiction, part horror, and an absolute blast to read.”—Bookreporter.com
“If you love monsters and action, you’ll love this book. If you love guns, you’ll love this book. If you love fantasy, and especially horror fantasy, you’ll love this book.”—Knotclan.com
“A gun person who likes science fiction—or, heck, anyone who likes science fiction—will enjoy [these books] . . . The plotting is excellent, and Correia makes you care about the characters . . . I read both books without putting them down except for work . . . so whaddaya waitin’ for? Go and buy some . . . for yourself and for stocking stuffers.”—Massad Ayoob
“This lighthearted, testosterone-soaked sequel to 2009's Monster Hunter International will delight fans of action horror with elaborate weaponry, hand-to-hand combat, disgusting monsters, and an endless stream of blood and body parts.”—Publishers Weekly on Monster Hunter Vendetta
About Mission: Tomorrow, edited by Bryan Thomas Schmidt:
“This themed anthology . . . will appeal to a wide range of readers, who will appreciate the diversity of stories . . . a solid introduction to a classic genre.”—Kirkus
“Editor Schmidt adds grandmasters to a mix of newer established names and balances the tragic with the humorous.”—Publishers Weekly
About Shattered Shields, edited by Jennifer Brozek and Bryan Thomas Schmidt:
“In this well-built anthology, seventeen original stories cut to the heart of military fantasy, diving directly into the most exciting moments of dramatic bravery, grand battles, and life-changing heroism. .
GUARD BROOKLYN, FIGHT MONSTERS, TAUNT BAD GUYS
"With the fast-paced first Conradverse urban fantasy, Shvartsman (Eridani’s Crown) delivers a laugh-out-loud, snarky adventure, throwing out pop culture references and wry observations with dizzying frequency....His supernatural New York City is vibrant and authentic, and Conrad fits right in with wisecracking fan favorite heroes like Harry Dresden and Simon Canderous. The result is a thoroughly satisfying romp."—Publishers Weekly
What would you do if you lost everything that mattered to you, as well as all means to protect yourself and others, but still had to save the day? Conrad Brent is about to find out.
Conrad Brent protects the people of Brooklyn from monsters and magical threats. The snarky, wisecracking guardian also has a dangerous secret: he’s one in a million – literally.
Magical ability comes to about one in every 30,000 and can manifest at any age. Conrad is rarer than this, however. He’s a middling, one of the half-gifted and totally despised. Most of the gifted community feels that middlings should be instantly killed. The few who don’t flat out hate them still aren’t excited to be around middlings. Meaning Conrad can’t tell anyone, not even his best friends, what he really is.
Conrad hides in plain sight by being a part of the volunteer Watch, those magically gifted who protect their cities from dangerous, arcane threats. And, to pay the bills, Conrad moonlights as a private detective and monster hunter for the gifted community. Which helps him keep up his personal fiction – that he’s a magical version of Batman. Conrad does both jobs thanks to charms, artifacts, and his wits, along with copious amounts of coffee. But little does he know that events are about to change his life…forever.
When Conrad discovers the Traveling Fair auction house has another middling who’s just manifested her so-called powers on the auction block, he’s determined to save her, regardless of risk. But what he finds out while doing so is even worse – the winning bidder works for a company that’s just created the most dangerous chemical weapon to ever hit the magical community.
Before Conrad can convince anyone at the Watch of the danger, he’s exposed for what he really is. Now, stripped of rank, magical objects, friends and allies, Conrad has to try to save the world with only his wits. Thankfully though, no one’s taken away his coffee.
"Shvartsman delivers real magic action and surprise twists...You're going to want more."—Esther M. Fiesner, Nebula-award winning author of the national bestseller, Warchild.
Inside you will find a zombear, tweeting aliens, down-on-their-luck vampires, time twisting belly dancers, moon Nazis, stoned computers, omnivorous sex-maniac pandas, and a spell-casting Albert Einstein.
WARNING: Some stories contain R-rated content and are inappropriate for minors, nuns, and anyone who lacks a sense of humor.
Includes the following stories:
“El and Al vs. Himmler’s Horrendous Horde from Hell” by Mike Resnick
“The Alchemist’s Children” by Nathaniel Lee
“Moon Landing” by Lavie Tidhar
“Fight Finale from the Near Future” by James Beamon
“Love Thy Neighbors” by Ken Liu
“The Alien Invasion As Seen In The Twitter Stream of @dweebless” by Jake Kerr
“Dreaming Harry” by Stephanie Burgis
“The Last Dragon Slayer” by Chuck Rothman
“The Real Thing” by Don Sakers
“2001 Revisited via 1969″ by Bruce Golden
“The Working Stiff” by Matt Mikalatos
“Temporal Shimmies” by Jennifer Pelland
“One-Hand Tantra” by Ferrett Steinmetz
“Of Mat and Math” by Anatoly Belilovsky
“Timber!” by Scott Almes
“Go Karts of the Gods” by Michael Kurland
“No Silver Lining” by Zach Shephard
“If You Act Now” by Sergey Lukyanenko
“My Kingdom for a Horse” by Stephen D. Rogers
“First Date” by Jamie Lackey
“All I Want for Christmas” by Siobhan Gallagher
“Venus of Willendorf” by Deborah Walker
“An Unchanted Sword” by Jeff Stehman
“The Day They Repossessed my Zombies” by K.G. Jewell
“The Fifty One Suitors of Princess Jamatpie” by Leah Cypess
“The Secret Life of Sleeping Beauty” by Charity Tahmaseb
“The Velveteen Golem” by David Sklar
“The Worm’s Eye View” by Jody Lynn Nye
“Cake from Mars” by Marko Kloos
Includes the following stories:
“Dave the Mighty Steel-Thewed Avenger” by Laura Resnick
“Crumbs” by Esther Friesner
“Fellow Traveler” by Donald J. Bingle
“A Fish Story” by Sarah Totton
“Another End of the Empire” by Tim Pratt
“Giantkiller” by G. Scott Huggins
“A Mild Case of Death” by David Gerrold
“Fairy Debt” by Gail Carriger
“A Very Special Girl” by Mike Resnick
“The Blue Corpse Corps” by Jim C. Hines
“Librarians in the Branch Library of Babel” by Shaenon K. Garrity
“The Queens Reason” by Richard Parks
“The Best Little Cleaning Robot in All of Faerie” by Susan Jane Bigelow
“Suede This Time” by Jean Rabe
This is the third annual volume of Unidentified Funny Objects and it contains twenty-three humorous short stories from some of the genre's best-known authors, as well as talented up-and-comers.
These are some of the unlikely characters you will encounter in the pages of this book:
* Hobo Satan
* Vampire novelist
* Traveling robot salesman
* Brain-in-a-jar superhero
* Jinn trapped in a mattress
What if the United States had gone to war with the Soviet Union? What if these rival superpowers had fought on land, sea, air, and the astral plane? What if the Soviets and Americans had struggled for dominion across parallel dimensions or on the surface of the moon? How would the world have changed? What wonders would have been unveiled? What terrors would have haunted mankind from those dark and dismal dimensions? Come closer, peer through a glass darkly, and discover the horrifying alternative visions of World War III from some of today’s greatest minds in science fiction, fantasy, and horror.
Includes new stories by David Drake, Brad R. Torgersen, Mike Resnick, Sarah A. Hoyt, and many more!
About the Contributors:
“Drake couldn’t write a bad action scene at gunpoint.”—Booklist on David Drake
"He's one of the most talented authors I've ever read."—Larry Correia on Brad R. Torgersen
“[A] tour de force: logical, built from assumptions with no contradictions . . . gripping.”—Jerry Pournelle on Sarah A. Hoyt
"Lostetter remains at the forefront of innovation in hard science fiction.”—Publishers Weekly on Marina J. Lostetter
Brad R. Torgersen
Kevin Andrew Murphy
Dr. Xander Lostetter and Marina J. Lostetter
Martin L. Shoemaker
Sarah A. Hoyt
Deborah A. Wolf
Peter J. Wacks and Bryan Thomas Schmidt
Eric James Stone
Sean Patrick Hazlett is an Army veteran, speculative fiction writer and editor, and finance executive in the San Francisco Bay area. He holds an AB in history and BS in electrical engineering from Stanford University, and a master's degree in public policy from the Harvard Kennedy School of Government. As a cavalry officer serving in the elite 11th Armored Cavalry Regiment, he trained various Army and Marine Corps units for war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Sean is a 2017 winner of the Writers of the Future Contest. More than forty of his short stories have appeared in publications such as The Year’s Best Military and Adventure SF, Year’s Best Hardcore Horror, Terraform, Galaxy’s Edge, Writers of the Future, Grimdark Magazine, Vastarien, and Abyss & Apex, among others. He is an active member of the Horror Writers Association and Codex Writers’ Group. This anthology is his first.
* Aztec Astronauts
* Punster Prophets
* Apocalyptic Apps
* Cantankerous Cryptids
* and the Duck Knight
Fifth annual volume of the Unidentified Funny Objects anthology series features eighteen lighthearted science fiction and fantasy tales from the masters of the genre.
Read about planetary adoptions, secret agent princesses, alien cooking reality shows, rigged elections, magical insurance agents, and much more.
* Cranky Goblin Cooks
* Unscrupulous Chemists
* Lecherous Space Pirates
* Disagreeable Alien Symbiotes
* Soul-Searching Snot Elementals
The Unidentified Funny Objects series serves an annual dose of funny. zany, and unusual science fiction and fantasy stories. All-new fiction from the genre's top voices! Our sixth volume features a Mad Amos story by Alan Dean Foster, a Harry the Book tale by Mike Resnick, and an Alexander Outland short by Gini Koch. Jim Hines reimagines a Game of Thrones with goblins in it, Ken Liu begs a sentient AI to spare him, and Esther Friesner takes us on a tour of Chelm, complete with dragons and gratuitous footnotes. There are also tales of an interdimensional secret agent, a warrior-writer on a quest from an evil god, a necromancer intent on rehabilitating the image of his profession, and many more.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Foreword by Alex Shvartsman
“A Game of Goblins” by Jim C. Hines
“The Breakdown of Parasite/Host Relationship” by Paul R. Hardy
“From This She Makes a Living?” by Esther Friesner
“Twenty-Nine Responses to Inquiries About My Craigslist Post: Alien Spaceship for Sale $200, You Haul” by Tina Connolly
“Tyler the Snot Elemental Scours the Newspaper, Searching for Change” by Zach Shephard
“Agent of Chaos” by Jack Campbell
“Display of Affection” by P. J. Sambeaux
“The Great Manhattan Eat-Off” by Mike Resnick
“An Evil Opportunity Employer” by Lawrence Watt-Evans
“Common Scents” by Jody Lynn Nye
“A Mountain Man and a Cat Walk into a Bar” by Alan Dean Foster
“Lost and Found” by Laura Resnick
“A Crawlspace Full of Prizes” by Bill Ferris
“Return to Sender” by Melissa Mead
“The Friendly Necromancer” by Rod M. Santos
“An Open Letter to the Sentient AI Who Has Announced Its Intention to Take Over the Earth” by Ken Liu
“Approved Expense” by David Vierling
“Alexander Outland: Space Jockey” by Gini Koch
“Dear Joyce” by Langley Hyde
“Impress Me, Then We’ll Talk About the Money” by Tatiana Ivanova (translated from Russian by Alex Shvartsman)
* An elder god trapped in a pocket dimension turns up in the world's oldest magic pawn shop.
* A cybernetically-enhanced assassin who can't feel pain faces a dangerous adversary.
* A computer hacker and a mystic team up to break into the Book of Fate and change their futures.
* Vatican investigators are called to examine a miracle on another planet.
and much, much more!
The e-book includes 23 bonus stories not featured in the printed edition, for a total of 63 stories! Each story includes author notes, written for this collection.
Praise for "Explaining Cthulhu to Grandma":
"Wit, sentiment, imagination--Alex Shvartsman's got them all." -Mike Resnick, Hugo award winner.
"Fantastic variety and scope ... Prepare to be entertained, delighted and amazed." -Esther Friesner, Nebula award winner.
"His stories feature tightly constructed, intricate, puzzle-like plots with clever banter and plenty of fresh, twisted pop culture references." -Ken Liu, Hugo and Nebula award winner
"Full of intriguing ideas and wit." -Jody Lynn Nye, bestselling author
"A wonderful collection of short stories that will make you laugh, think and feel." -Gini Koch, bestselling author
"If you ever need to explain Cthulhu to your Grandma, this is the place to start." -Henry Gee, senior editor at Nature.
The Unidentified Funny Objects series delivers an annual dose of funny, zany, and unusual science fiction and fantasy stories. All-new fiction from the genre's top voices!
* A long time ago in a galaxy close enough not to violate any copyrights, the clone army fighting for the side of the evil empire is made up of a bunch of bros named Chad.
* Can a couple of wise guys from New Jersey broker a sit down between two groups of warring aliens?
* Witness an epic battle of mad science vs. dark magic.
* US presidents elected in 1860 and 1960 were both assassinated. What's going to happen to whoever's elected in 2060?
* Beware the dragon polite enough to return your drone after it breached the barriers between worlds and bonked him on the snout.