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Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by [Wendy T. Behary, Jeffrey Young, Daniel J. Siegel MD]

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Wendy T. Behary

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed Kindle Edition

by Wendy T. Behary (Author), Jeffrey Young (Foreword), Daniel J. Siegel MD (Preface) Format: Kindle Edition

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The go-to guide for dealing with the narcissist in your life—now fully revised and updated based on reader feedback!

Do you know someone who is overly arrogant, shows an extreme lack of empathy, or exhibits an inflated sense of entitlement? Do they exploit others, or engage in deluded thinking? These are all traits of narcissistic personality disorder, and when it comes to dealing with narcissists, it can be difficult to get your point across. So, how do you handle the narcissistic people in your life? You might interact with them in social or professional settings, and you might even love one—so ignoring them isn’t really a practical solution. They're frustrating, and maybe even intimidating, but ultimately, you need to find a way of communicating effectively with them.

Now a self-help classic, Disarming the Narcissist is a practical, step-by-step communication guide to help you cope with and confront the narcissist in your life. Based on reader feedback, this fully revised and updated third edition features new information on shame, hypersexuality, and infidelity in narcissism; legal information to help you if you are divorcing a narcissist; and the impact of narcissism on children.

With this how-to guide, you’ll learn how to separate yourself from a narcissist's traps, and gain the respect and validation you deserve—while side-stepping unproductive power struggles and senseless arguments with someone who is at the center of his or her own universe. Finally, you’ll learn how to set limits with your narcissist and when it's time to draw the line on unacceptable behavior.

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275 pages
Language

English
Publisher

New Harbinger Publications
Publication date

October 1, 2021
File size

2260 KB
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From the Publisher

More than 1750,000 copies sold & translated into 15 languages

A practical, step-by-step guide to help you cope with and confront the narcissist in your life

"An essential guide for this widespread problem." --John M. Gottman, PhD

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Everyone knows a narcissist, one of those vainglorious individuals in desperate need of constant affirmation and attention. Cognitive therapist Behary's book argues that by modifying your own behavior, you can manage your relationship with such a person. Separating narcissism into categories (spoiled, dependent, deprived and combinations thereof) and exploring the causes of the disorder, the author hopes to assist the reader in overcoming the emotional obstacles involved in interaction with a boss, spouse, friend or relative. Rather than focus on changing the narcissist (which may be impossible), this book aims to help the reader improve self-knowledge to see why the narcissist pushes his or her buttons and how to cope. Some of the instruments Behary provides—such as checklists, flash cards, journal writing— are useful for determining the type of narcissist you are dealing with and how your past experiences affect your responses. The author acknowledges that her book is no panacea, and she doesn't present the reader with strategies for when the narcissist isn't responsive to the actions she has suggested. Notwithstanding this caveat, Behary's book will surely provide help to many in need of a confidence bolster in the face of provocation. (Mar.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From the Publisher

Disarming the Narcissist is a step-by-step guide to treating and communicating with narcissists with compassion and empathy in a way that still preserves the reader's personal boundaries and sanity. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

About the Author

Wendy T. Behary, LCSW, is founder and clinical director of the Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and the NJ Institute for Schema Therapy. She is also a distinguished founding fellow of the Academy of Cognitive Therapy. She maintains a private practice, specializing in narcissism and high-conflict couples therapy.

Preface writer Daniel J. Siegel, MD, is the author of The Mindful Brain, and an associate clinical professor at the UCLA School of Medicine Center for Human Development.

Foreword writer Jeffrey Young, PhD, is the author of Schema Therapy, a Practitioner’s Guide, and founder/director of the Schema Therapy Institute Schema Therapy Institute of NYC. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

"Anyone whose life predicament includes dealing with a narcissist will bewell-advised to read Wendy Behary’s book and heed her advice. Disarming theNarcissist offers sound suggestions and keen insights—a breakthrough in oneof psychology's toughest cases."
—Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence

"...a valuable contribution to the growing self-help literature on the fascinating subject of narcissism. Behary takes the reader step-by-step through a process of understanding our personal triggers to the wounding inherent in narcissistic relations and then lays out a pathway for personal empowerment and change."
—Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW, author of Why Is It Always About You?

"This is a timely and important book. Wendy Behary offers a uniquely well-articulated exploration of the complexities of living with a narcissist, conveyed in a clear and elegant writing style. Disarming the Narcissist provides a treasure of insightful observations and strategies to help those working or living with a narcissist. Behary’s wisdom and warm humanity, together with her wide understanding and successful integration of interpersonal neurobiology and schema therapy, provides a fresh perspective that will help the reader make sense of relationships that often seem so confusing and give them tools to do something about it. I recommend this book heartily. "
—Marion F. Solomon, Ph.D., author of Narcissism and Intimacy and Lean on Me

"For the practicing clinician there is perhaps no other group of clients more difficult to work with or that generates more fear and feelings of inadequacy than narcissists. In Disarming the Narcissist , Behary has provided both the theoretical knowledge and practical advice necessary for clinicians to understand, empathize and, thus, help this challenging group of clients and their partners. Her “disarmingly” straightforward, accessible style and impressive clinical experience make this a very valuable book indeed."
—William M. Zangwill, Ph.D., director of EMDR Associates

"Behary is an exceptionally perceptive, compassionate, and creative clinician and an outstanding teacher. I have always found her immersed at the cutting edge of clinical science and practice. It has been both a privilege and an inspiration to watch her vision and clinical contributions evolve. These remarkable qualities are clearly evident in her new book, which I have no doubt will make a major contribution. It will bring anyone who deals with narcissism fully up to date with the latest our field has to offer, articulated in clear, poignant, and practical terms. "
—George Lockwood, Ph.D., director of the Schema Therapy Institute Midwest in Kalamazoo, MI

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ B08WHRHCZH
Publisher ‏ : ‎ New Harbinger Publications; 3rd edition (October 1, 2021)
Publication date ‏ : ‎ October 1, 2021
Language ‏ : ‎ English
File size ‏ : ‎ 2260 KB
Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Print length ‏ : ‎ 275 pages
Lending ‏ : ‎ Not Enabled

Best Sellers Rank: #56,107 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #41 in Psychology of Personalities
- #76 in Interpersonal Relations (Kindle Store)
- #80 in Mate Seeking (Kindle Store)

Customer Reviews:
1,160 ratings

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Wendy T. Behary

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With 25 + years of experience and advanced certifications, Wendy Behary is the founder and director of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and Schema Therapy Institute of NJ-NYC-DC. She has been treating clients, training professionals and supervising psychotherapists for 25 years. Wendy served on the faculty of the Cognitive Therapy Center and Schema Therapy Institute of New York, where she has trained and worked with Dr. Jeffrey Young since 1989. She is a founding fellow/supervisor of The Academy of Cognitive Therapy (Dr. Aaron T. Beck, President).

Wendy also served as the President of the Executive Board of the International Society of Schema Therapy (ISST, 2010-2014).

She is the lead author for several chapters and articles on schema therapy and cognitive therapy. She is also the author of (New Harbinger Publications – 1st & 2nd edition): "Disarming the Narcissist...Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed". Wendy has a specialty in treating narcissists and the people who live with and deal with them. As an author and an expert on the subject of narcissism, she is a contributing chapter author of several chapters on schema therapy for narcissism (Wiley Publications and APA Press, 20111,2012, 2013).

She lectures both nationally and internationally to professional and general audiences on schema therapy, and the subject of narcissism, relationships, and dealing with difficult people. Her work with industry has included speaking engagements focused on interpersonal conflict resolution.

Her private practice is primarily devoted to treating narcissists, partners/people dealing with them, and couples experiencing relationship problems. She is also an expert in coaching individuals in interviewing, public speaking, and interpersonal skills enhancement.

Customer reviews

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3 star		5%
2 star		2%
1 star		4%

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Top reviews from the United States

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Michigan Hiker

Not a read for someone currently being abused by a narcissist. There are much better books for that than this one.

Reviewed in the United States on December 5, 2016

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I bought this book in hopes that it would help me deal with the narcissist in my life and after reading the raving reviews. The first part of the book helped me understand narcissism better. I will give it that. I learned about the different types of narcissists and I was able to realize what type of narcissist I was dealing with. But the practical aspects of the book, the recommendation and suggested actions when it comes to dealing with the narcissist in our lives, that actually set me up for failure more than success. And it took quite a bit to get to a practical section. After applying the advise suggested in this book, things between my narcissist and me got worse. Now I know better and more about NPD and there's no changing these people, no matter what you do. The author recommends re-mothering the person. Narcissists are never wrong and they project their flaws and insecurities on those around them. Therefore, I was not able to apply one single recommendation from this book successfully and our arguments got even worse. I got so frustrated. Re-mothering the narcissist? They will accuse you of being a control freak.

After putting that book down for good, I was offered much better advise from other sources who have been there. And the best recommendation that a person who suffered narcissistic abuse can get is to get away from the narcissist in his or her life as soon as possible. Going No Contact is the best advise that a victim could ever be given. If you cannot get away from the narcissist in your life, for example because you share custody of your children, then keep your contact to a minimum. But applying what this book suggest, heck, no!

There are other much better books that can help a victim than this one, like the ones listed below, not necessarily in that order, but worth a try each and everyone of them. Summarizing, I do not recommend Disarming the Narcissist. Either way, if you're a victim of abuse by someone with NPD, or you suspect the person might be a narcissist, first get support from certified professionals with actual experience with NPD, which is not something easy to detect in a person since a narcissist projects a charming image of themselves that can fool even the most trained individual. Get also support from the Domestic Abuse Hot Line, if needed. Don't do this alone. Recovery can take years, if not a lifetime. In the meantime, if you need to start your healing process on your own, if you need to learn more about NPD to find out if you may actually be dealing with NPD, try to get hold of any of these other books listed below.

Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself

Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

431 people found this helpful

Helpful

CMc

Dangerous -- Get out. This book will only lead to you being hurt longer.

Reviewed in the United States on July 14, 2015

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This is not just a bad review; this is strong advice to not read this book, for your own good. This book is dangerous because it convinces people in relationships that they can learn to manage the narcissist's behaviors. If you really do believe the person in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you should get resources to leave the relationship as soon as feasible and get help to recover from the damage that's already been done before you've been hurt more. Moreover, the advice wouldn't even work because it requires confronting them about how their behavior hurts you, and narcissists can't handle that. This book asks you to consider what about YOU triggers these reactions in you when the narcissistic acts in erratic and hurtful ways. No. Anyone would react like that to this systematic pattern of damaging behavior. Other reviews here are totally accurate when they say it is victim blaming, but when I was still in the situation I was willing to blame myself just like the narcissist I was dating did constantly. I regret having read this book because I stayed in a relationship based on its advice and now I have suffered for much longer than I needed to. I started re-reading it recently, now that I understand the behavior better, and realized what terrible advice this is and how this advice kept me in a damaging situation thinking I had some power when I didn't. If you are considering getting this book, instead pick one about how to recover from breaking up with or divorcing a narcissist. Also, I would be willing to bet you are keeping secret from your friends how bad the person's behavior really is in order to protect them or so you won't be embarrassed. Write an honest email to your friends telling them what you've been going through and asking for their support. They will be there for you more than you know. I promise you that staying is worse than you think right now and that leaving now is so much better than you realize. Please don't even read this book. I do not want you coming back in six months or a year saying how the advice in this book gave you false hope that things could be alright if you tried hard enough to deal with the narcissist's volatile behavior. When I bought this book I thought I needed to make it work, but I was wrong. I needed to protect myself and this book will give you the opposite advice. The dangerous part is that after the narcissist already has manipulated your thinking, you will believe that there is hope like the book says but at best it will prolong the crash and burn ending, with untold nights of wondering what you could do better between now and then. Other reviews said this and I thought I would be able to handle it better, but once the narcissist had already begun to affect me, this book just pulled me deeper in to thinking there was logic behind his pathology.

843 people found this helpful

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Mr. Green Jeans

My wife and I read this book hoping to learn ...

Reviewed in the United States on July 5, 2016

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My wife and I read this book hoping to learn how to deal with our narcissist son. The main theme is that you should kowtow to the narcissist and and give yourself a hug. Has the author ever dealt with a narcissist?
We gave all the compassion and empathy we could, but when we stepped out of line, and by that I mean we didn't fawn over a new toy he bought himself instead of buying a crib for our granddaughter, he disowned us for the fifth time.
So this book is nothing new to people dealing with narcissists, but the answers are wrong. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to cut them out of your life, get counseling to help you heal from the trauma they put you through and get on with your life.

229 people found this helpful

Helpful

Stay in the Light

If your safety is at risk, you should find other resources to help you safely get out.

Reviewed in the United States on July 29, 2019

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This book (recommended by my therapist) is exactly what I needed. I’m not ready to give up and file for divorce; I’m praying we can still save our marriage. My husband is what is described in the book as a “moderate narcissist,” (neither myself or my children are in any physical danger) which means if he is willing can change and be reformed, then there’s hope it’s possible for us to reconcile, God willing. If not, the book also advises to use “leverage,” (an ultimatum) which means I have to be willing to walk away if he doesn’t change. I now understand that without “leverage” he really will never ever change. I’m working with my therapist on following the book’s methodology, and putting my “leverage” (ultimatum contingency) plan together in case this doesn’t work out.

7 people found this helpful

Helpful

Top reviews from other countries

Tak

Avoid this book, avoid the narcissist, and live a much happier life!

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 27, 2014

Verified Purchase

I am a 37 year old daughter of a narcissistic father. I have tried and tested every suggested 'empathetic confrontation' and communication strategy recommended in this book, and many more besides, and they have had a long term success rate of about zero. When you grow up with this, you get very creative at dealing with these people. I had learned most of these methods by my late teens, and learned that none of them worked. And still I continued - what a sad useless waste of my time that was!

What Wendy fails to understand here is the extreme levels of deviousness intricately in-bedded in extreme narcissism. The only thing you are doing using these tools, is poring more good energy after bad, wasting many more years out of your life, and above all giving the narcissist an insight into what he/she has to do to (what they will see as), playing a different game of getting you to do exactly what they want you to do = forgive them for everything and anything.
They will sit there and pretend to listen, with their ears firmly closed and their eyes firmly shut. All the while martyring to themselves on been brave enough to suffer this hell, whilst trying to hurry you through to the part where you, once again, forgive him/her for their appalling behaviour. That is the ONLY thing they are interested in. Being left in peace to be their awful selves, and get away with it. Preferably without everyone disappearing on them.

I was also interested to note that there were no long term case studies providing evidence that these theorized methods of confrontation and communication have had any success rate. Why? Because they don't exist. If they work, they work for 5 minutes - that's it. An extreme narcissist has a very similar personality description as a socio-path. Personality disorders of this kind are very rarely treatable, if at all. And past a certain age, forget it.

It took me a really long time of trying again and again to have a relationship with my father, and to get my basic needs of love, care and respect met by him. And then one day, when trying for what seemed the millionth time to make him understand how his latest bout of verbal abuse and insult had upset me and also why, (since you have to explain it to them like they are two), and I observed very closely as he digested which 'learned characteristic mask' he would need to adorn to get himself out of his latest mess. And then watched. Watched with the crystal clear vision as he attempted to manipulate, dominate, control and lie his way out of it, just like he had always done. That was the moment when I saw how much time I had wasted on this pitiful excuse for a man.

I have been through intensive therapy twice in my life, and in both cases the prognosis for my issues were the same. My father was my main problem. I had done everything possible to address my issues, whilst he did nothing to address his own.
Neither therapist held fast with cutting close friends and family out of my life, but in his case, it was a clear message from both;

'Until the narcissist changes, and I mean really changes, not just pretends to change, then you are better off staying well clear'.

Good advice. And since accepting it this last time around, I have been much happier and felt more at peace than ever before.

364 people found this helpful

Simon

Well written but not useful to the victims that dealt or deal with narcissistic behavior disorders

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 14, 2019

Verified Purchase

Useful for therapist because they learn how to treat basic narcissistic behavior disorder.
unfortunately not many of the most pathologic narcisists go to therapy and this book is show a way too soft approach to help the victims to deal with the major problematic narcisists and, as such, it does not offer real guidance to the victims on how to recognise and avoid them.

It is probably helpful to people who deal with mild narcisism.

3 people found this helpful

Amazon Customer

Interesting read but I don’t think all narcissis will take ...

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 20, 2018

Verified Purchase

Interesting read but I don’t think all narcissis will take your new approach well and still play on your words and mind. Worth a read tho as it brings important areas to look with both yourselfs triggers etc. I think this could help me in other areas of my life.

10 people found this helpful

Sal190

Great read to help understanding of this PD

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 26, 2016

Verified Purchase

Great service. Book was a great, easy read and helped however the description gave me the impression you can help a narcissist..... YOU CAN'T!

18 people found this helpful

Peter V.

Too much padding

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 11, 2021