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![Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch by [Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51+oeM83oDL._SY346_.jpg)
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Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch Kindle Edition
Neil Gaiman (Author) Find all the books, read about the author, and more. See search results for this author |
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The classic collaboration from the internationally bestselling authors Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, soon to be an original series starring Michael Sheen and David Tennant.
?Season 2 of Good Omens coming soon!
“Good Omens . . . is something like what would have happened if Thomas Pynchon, Tom Robbins and Don DeLillo had collaborated. Lots of literary inventiveness in the plotting and chunks of very good writing and characterization. It’s a wow. It would make one hell of a movie. Or a heavenly one. Take your pick.” —Washington Post
According to The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch (the world's only completely accurate book of prophecies, written in 1655, before she exploded), the world will end on a Saturday. Next Saturday, in fact. Just before dinner.
So the armies of Good and Evil are amassing, Atlantis is rising, frogs are falling, tempers are flaring. Everything appears to be going according to Divine Plan. Except a somewhat fussy angel and a fast-living demon—both of whom have lived amongst Earth's mortals since The Beginning and have grown rather fond of the lifestyle—are not actually looking forward to the coming Rapture.
And someone seems to have misplaced the Antichrist . . .
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherWilliam Morrow
- Publication dateJune 28, 2011
- File size5497 KB
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From the Publisher
Editorial Reviews
Amazon.com Review
Review
“Hilariously naughty.” -- Kirkus Reviews
“Wacky and irreverent.” -- Booklist
“Reads like the Book of Revelation, rewritten by Monty Python.” -- San Francisco Chronicle
“Fiendishly funny.” -- New Orleans Times-Picayune
“From beginning to end, GOOD OMENS is side-splittingly funny . . . a ripping good time.” -- Rave Reviews
“If you’ve never read [GOOD OMENS], don’t miss it now. Grade: A.” -- Rocky Mountain News
“It could be called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Armargeddon.” -- Palm Beach Post
“[L]ittle asides, quirky observations, simple puns and parody eventually add up to snorts, chortles and outright laughs.” -- San Diego Union-Tribune
“What’s so funny about Armageddon? More than you’d think . . . GOOD OMENS has arrived just in time.” -- Detroit Free Press --This text refers to the mass_market edition.
From Library Journal
Copyright 1990 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
From Publishers Weekly
Copyright 1990 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
From AudioFile
From School Library Journal
- Diana C. Hirsch, Prince George's County Memorial Library System, MD
Copyright 1991 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
From the Inside Flap
From the Paperback edition. --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
From the Publisher
-James Herbert
"GOOD OMENS is frequently hilarious, littered with funny footnotes and eccentric characters. It's also humane, intelligent, suspenseful, and fully equipped with a chorus of 'Tibetans, Aliens, American, Atlanteans and other rare and strange creatures of the Last Days.' If the end is near, Pratchett and Gaiman will take us there in style"
-Locus
"Wickedly funny"
-Time Out
"Hilarious Pratchett magic tempered by Neil Gaiman's dark steely style; who could ask for a better combination?"
-Fear
"Not quite as sinster as the authors' photo"
-The Times
From the Back Cover
According to The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch (the world's only completely accurate book of prophecies, written in 1655, before she exploded), the world will end on a Saturday. Next Saturday, in fact. Just before dinner.
So the armies of Good and Evil are amassing, Atlantis is rising, frogs are falling, tempers are flaring. Everything appears to be going according to Divine Plan. Except a somewhat fussy angel and a fast-living demon—both of whom have lived amongst Earth's mortals since The Beginning and have grown rather fond of the lifestyle—are not actually looking forward to the coming Rapture.
And someone seems to have misplaced the Antichrist . . .
--This text refers to the mass_market edition.Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Good Omens
The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, WitchBy Neil GaimanHarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Copyright ©2006Neil GaimanAll right reserved.
ISBN: 0060853980
Chapter One
Current theories on the creation of the Universe state that, if it was created at all and didn't just start, as it were, unoffi cially, it came into being between ten and twenty thousand million years ago. By the same token the earth itself is generally supposed to be about four and a half thousand million years old.
These dates are incorrect.
Medieval Jewish scholars put the date of the Creation at 3760 B.C. Greek Orthodox theologians put Creation as far back as 5508 B.C.
These suggestions are also incorrect.
Archbishop James Usher (1580?1656) published Annales Veteris et Novi Testamenti in 1654, which suggested that the Heaven and the Earth were created in 4004 B.C. One of his aides took the calculation further, and was able to announce triumphantly that the Earth was created on Sunday the 21st of October, 4004 B.C., at exactly 9:00 A.M., because God liked to get work done early in the morning while he was feeling fresh.
This too was incorrect. By almost a quarter of an hour.
The whole business with the fossilized dinosaur skeletons was a joke the paleontologists haven't seen yet.
This proves two things:
Firstly, that God moves in extremely mysterious, not to say, circuitous ways. God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players,* to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infi nite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
Secondly, the Earth's a Libra.
The astrological prediction for Libra in the "Your Stars Today"
column of the Tadfi eld Advertiser, on the day this history begins, read as follows:
Libra. September 24?October 23.
You may be feeling run down and always in the same old daily round. Home and family matters are highlighted and are hanging fi re. Avoid unnecessary risks. A friend is important to you. Shelve major decisions until the way ahead seems clear. You may be vulnerable to a stomach upset today, so avoid salads. Help could come from an unexpected quarter.
This was perfectly correct on every count except for the bit about the salads.
It wasn't a dark and stormy night.
It should have been, but that's the weather for you. For every mad scientist who's had a convenient thunderstorm just on the night his Great Work is fi nished and lying on the slab, there have been dozens who've sat around aimlessly under the peaceful stars while Igor clocks up the overtime.
But don't let the fog (with rain later, temperatures dropping to around forty-fi ve degrees) give anyone a false sense of security. Just because it's a mild night doesn't mean that dark forces aren't abroad. They're abroad all the time. They're everywhere.
They always are. That's the whole point.
Two of them lurked in the ruined graveyard. Two shadowy figures, one hunched and squat, the other lean and menacing, both of them Olympic-grade lurkers. If Bruce Springsteen had ever recorded "Born to Lurk," these two would have been on the album cover. They had been lurking in the fog for an hour now, but they had been pacing themselves and could lurk for the rest of the night if necessary, with still enough sullen menace left for a final burst of lurking around dawn.
Finally, after another twenty minutes, one of them said: "Bugger this for a lark. He should of been here hours ago."
The speaker's name was Hastur. He was a Duke of Hell.
Many Phenomena—wars, plagues, sudden audits—have been advanced as evidence for the hidden hand of Satan in the affairs of Man, but whenever students of demonology get together the M25 London orbital motorway is generally agreed to be among the top contenders for Exhibit A.
Where they go wrong, of course, is in assuming that the wretched road is evil simply because of the incredible carnage and frustration it engenders every day.
In fact, very few people on the face of the planet know that the very shape of the M25 forms the sigil odegra in the language of the Black Priesthood of Ancient Mu, and means "Hail the Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds." The thousands of motorists who daily fume their way around its serpentine lengths have the same effect as water on a prayer wheel, grinding out an endless fog of low-grade evil to pollute the metaphysical atmosphere for scores of miles around.
It was one of Crowley's better achievements. It had taken years to achieve, and had involved three computer hacks, two break-ins, one minor bribery and, on one wet night when all else had failed, two hours in a squelchy fi eld shifting the marker pegs a few but occultly incredibly signifi cant meters. When Crowley had watched the fi rst thirty-mile-long tailback he'd experienced the lovely warm feeling of a bad job well done.
It had earned him a commendation.
Crowley was currently doing 110 mph somewhere east of Slough. Nothing about him looked particularly demonic, at least by classical standards. No horns, no wings. Admittedly he was listening to a Best of Queen tape, but no conclusions should be drawn from this because all tapes left in a car for more than about a fortnight metamorphose into Best of Queen albums. No particularly demonic thoughts were going through his head. In fact, he was currently wondering vaguely who Moey and Chandon were.
Crowley had dark hair and good cheekbones and he was wearing snakeskin shoes, or at least presumably he was wearing shoes, and he could do really weird things with his tongue. And, whenever he forgot himself, he had a tendency to hiss.
He also didn't blink much.
The car he was driving was a 1926 black Bentley, one owner from new, and that owner had been Crowley. He'd looked after it.
Continues...
Excerpted from Good Omensby Neil Gaiman Copyright ©2006 by Neil Gaiman. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. --This text refers to the mass_market edition.
About the Author
Neil Gaiman is a #1 New York Times bestselling author of books for children and adults whose award-winning titles include Norse Mythology, American Gods, The Graveyard Book,Good Omens (with Terry Pratchett), Coraline, and The Sandman graphic novels. Neil Gaiman is a Goodwill Ambassador for UNHCR and Professor in the Arts at Bard College.
Sir Terry Pratchett was the internationally bestselling author of more than thirty books, including his phenomenally successful Discworld series. His young adult novel, The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents, won the Carnegie Medal, and Where's My Cow?, his Discworld book for “readers of all ages,” was a New York Times bestseller. His novels have sold more than seventy five million (give or take a few million) copies worldwide. Named an Officer of the British Empire “for services to literature,” Pratchett lived in England. He died in 2015 at the age of sixty-six.
--This text refers to the mass_market edition.Product details
- ASIN : B0054LJGWS
- Publisher : William Morrow; Reprint edition (June 28, 2011)
- Publication date : June 28, 2011
- Language : English
- File size : 5497 KB
- Text-to-Speech : Enabled
- Screen Reader : Supported
- Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
- X-Ray : Enabled
- Word Wise : Enabled
- Print length : 383 pages
- Lending : Not Enabled
- Best Sellers Rank: #11,332 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #17 in Humorous Dark Comedy
- #35 in Metaphysical Science Fiction eBooks
- #38 in Read & Listen for $14.99 or Less
- Customer Reviews:
About the authors
Neil Gaiman is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of more than twenty books, including Norse Mythology, Neverwhere, and The Graveyard Book. Among his numerous literary awards are the Newbery and Carnegie medals, and the Hugo, Nebula, World Fantasy, and Will Eisner awards. He is a Professor in the Arts at Bard College.
Terry Pratchett sold his first story when he was fifteen, which earned him enough money to buy a second-hand typewriter. His first novel, a humorous fantasy entitled The Carpet People, appeared in 1971 from the publisher Colin Smythe. Terry worked for many years as a journalist and press officer, writing in his spare time and publishing a number of novels, including his first Discworld novel, The Color of Magic, in 1983. In 1987 he turned to writing full time, and has not looked back since. To date there are a total of 36 books in the Discworld series, of which four (so far) are written for children. The first of these children's books, The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents, won the Carnegie Medal. A non-Discworld book, Good Omens, his 1990 collaboration with Neil Gaiman, has been a longtime bestseller, and was reissued in hardcover by William Morrow in early 2006 (it is also available as a mass market paperback (Harper Torch, 2006) and trade paperback (Harper Paperbacks, 2006). Terry's latest book, Nation, a non-Discworld standalone YA novel was published in October of 2008 and was an instant New York Times and London Times bestseller. Regarded as one of the most significant contemporary English-language satirists, Pratchett has won numerous literary awards, was named an Officer of the British Empire “for services to literature” in 1998, and has received four honorary doctorates from the Universities of Warwick, Portsmouth, Bath, and Bristol. His acclaimed novels have sold more than 55 million copies (give or take a few million) and have been translated into 36 languages. Terry Pratchett lived in England with his family, and spent too much time at his word processor. Some of Terry's accolades include: The Carnegie Medal, Locus Awards, the Mythopoetic Award, ALA Notable Books for Children, ALA Best Books for Young Adults, Book Sense 76 Pick, Prometheus Award and the British Fantasy Award.
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Reviewed in the United States on June 22, 2019
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Reviewed in the United States on June 22, 2019

This was quirky and a little on the odd side but totally fun. Heaven and Hell have basically been in a cold war for well forever it seems. Ever since Lucifer “An Angel who did not so much Fall as Saunter Vaguely Downwards.” became the bad guy the final show down has been in the works. But now, finally Satan’s son has been born and the prophecies all say that when he is Eleven the end of the world will finally come about.
The humor in this is really incredibly fun and I loved Aziraphale, the Angel who wasn’t necessarily all good, and Crowley the demon who really wasn’t that bad of a guy. Even more I enjoyed the friendship between them and how they worked both together and against each other.
“Hell wasn't a major reservoir of evil, any more then Heaven, in Crowley's opinion, was a fountain of goodness; they were just sides in the great cosmic chess game. Where you found the real McCoy, the real grace and the real heart-stopping evil, was right inside the human mind.”
This had an extensive cast that included the four horsemen (one was a woman) of the apocalypse, a witch or two, some Satanists (they weren’t really bad people), a gang of kids, a witchhunter and a dog.
There are a ton of funny little snippets here and there and I really enjoyed the cut and paste together style that had the reader jumping from group of characters to groups of characters as we go through the countdown to the final days.
This is supposed to be a tv series soon and it will be interesting to see how that goes. I think it will be a good time and lets face it at the end of the world you might as well have a good time.
Perfect for when you just want a good laugh and some ridiculousness in your life.
The only characters I enjoyed were the angel and the demon, who happen to be unlikely buddies, and their interaction is usually entertaining. The 4 bikers of the Apocalypse are also a fresh take on the classic horsemen. Other than that, I really didn't care much about anyone else, with some of the other characters (the witch hunters in particular) being right down obnoxious. I also couldn't bring myself to care about the end of the world, and if you can't make me care even a little bit about the most catastrophic event possible, you know you didn't do it right. In fact, when I start hoping the end does come and wipes out these obnoxious people, you probably missed the mark by a long shot.
I think I'll take a break from Gainman for a bit, since it seems every book I read is worse than the previous.

Reviewed in the United States on April 16, 2019

Top reviews from other countries

But on the urgings of a friend, I have now, and for the first time, read one of the novels that he wrote in collaboration with another writer. I’d always resisted that inclination in the past, driven by a sense that I wanted my Terry Pratchett unadulterated or not at all. Ask a Scotsman what the best thing is to add to a whisky and he’ll tell you, “another whisky.” Nothing mixes better with Pratchett than another Pratchett.
After <i>Good Omens</i>, I’ve had to revise that view. It isn’t a Pratchett novel. It isn’t set on the Discworld, for instance, but on Earth. Nonetheless, behind the wit that hums through the book, some of it no doubt down to the co-author Neil Gaiman, there are occasional gleams of pure Pratchett: in the ageing dominatrix, for instance, who is essentially motherly and decorates her boudoir of sin with fluffy toys, or the suggestion that nothing Hell could come up with as a torment would rival what mankind can dream up on its own.
The theme is a parody of the film <i>Omen</i>. A son has been born to Satan. His agents, notably the demon Crowley who is coordinating the whole venture, have arranged that an American diplomat’s wife will give birth that very night to a son in an obscure hospital in the English countryside, which happens to be staffed by nuns from a Satanist order. This will allow a switch to be performed, leading to the devil’s child being brought up in a family which will provide him with the opportunity to plunge the world into the chaos that leads to Armageddon.
Alas, however, even infernal agents, like humans, are inclined to err. The switch is mishandled. So, eleven years later, as the forces of hell and those of heaven prepare to fight their last battle to the destruction of the Earth and the human species, nothing goes to plan.
Which isn’t such a bad thing for Crowley, and his opposite number, the angel Aziraphale. The two of them have grown used to life on earth and have come to enjoy it. No more antique bookshops? No more elegant cocktail bars? (I leave it to you to decide which is to the taste of which of these two). The prospect leaves them both distraught and, having come close to being friends down the centuries through which they have competed with each other, they collaborate to see if they can find a way of preventing Armageddon while avoiding the likely retribution of their respective heavenly and infernal hierarchies.
Throw into the mix a modern witch, who happens to be a descendant of Agnes Nutter, author of some “nice and accurate prophecies” which, are indeed, astonishingly accurate though sadly not always comprehensible until after the events have happened, and then include a misfit of a young man who becomes a witchfinder, and you have all the ingredients for a rollicking, funny and engaging tale. Since the ending is both satisfying and pointed, with the destruction of an object we might have expected to be treated as sacred, the novel has everything one could hope for to amuse and entertain.
Well worth it if you’re at a loose end and want some entertainment written with talent. And, like me, you're regretting the loss of Terry Pratchett. Enhanced, far from diminished, by Neil Gaiman.

You might think a collaboration between two authors, particularly two with such distinctive styles, would read like cut-and-paste, but the story flows along like a Lennon-McCartney composition. Knowing there can now never be anything quite like it again makes it all the more poignant.

Things really do look dire. Except, someone seems to have misplaced the Antichrist. And the angel and demon who have been keeping an eye on things since mankind were evicted from Eden? Well, they’ve become rather comfy with the way things are. And as they countdown continues, mayhem on an earth-shaking scale begins to unravel their best laid plans.
As familiar as an old pair of gloves; or perhaps the walking boots you’ve used for years.
That’s what it feels like to read this gem of a story from two of the most eccentric writers you will ever meet. Inventive; out there; wickedly funny; heavenly.
A superb recipe for disaster. I didn’t stop grinning from beginning to end.

The story is a rather irreverent take on Armageddon, at a surface inspection it’s clearly a parody of a very well known film but it’s easily arguably so so very much better than the film...isn’t that always the way? What the story is actually about is the eternal battle between good and evil as seen from a child’s point of view, it’s about human nature, immortal forces, life and hope.
I don’t leave reviews often, only when it really matters. Hand on heart I’m telling you that if you haven’t already then you need to discover these authors who mesh so well together in this book. Sir Terry Pratchett is sorely missed by millions but his legacy continues in print. I hope you find the review helpful, I wrote it from memory, now I’m off to reread this book.....
Armageddon approaches rapidly in a quiet unchanging idyllic corner of the British countryside, the AntiChrist has risen or Adam to his friends is accompanied by his faithful adorable Hellhound and it’s almost teatime. The end times are nigh, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse meet up in a motorway cafe but an Angel; Aziraphael and a Demon; Crowley (of M25 infamy) are giving their all to stop that which was writ in Revelations as well as in The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter (Witch). The Witchfinder Army (both of them) are on the move but this time they’re working alongside a witch who not coincidentally happens to be a descendant of Agnes Nutter.

A short summary? An angel and a demon team up to try to stop the Apocalypse from happening when the Anti Christ reaches the correct age. Basically, it's a bit of a spoof on the movie The Omen except can you still consider a work in that parody category when it's arguably better written that it's source? Pratchett and Gaiman's styles of writing complement each other beautifully, bringing out the best in both and removing any perceived weakness someone could somehow relate to either. The characters are incredibly well rounded, and the humor of the book is such that it stands up to multiple re-readings and you will still find yourself gigging over sections.
The story is more than simply engaging, it's enveloping. The pace moves along at the correct speed, keeping you engrossed with each new word. You can't help but care about these characters, about the stakes that they are going through. Not just because the stakes are the end of the world but because we care about the characters and that is far more important, really.
Honestly? Good Omens is one of those books that I recommend to everyone. Because it is simply that good. It's a forever favourite and more people need to read it, really. Because Ineffability.