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Customer reviews

4.4 out of 5 stars
4.4 out of 5
521 global ratings
5 star
70%
4 star
13%
3 star
11%
2 star
3%
1 star
3%
The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

byKathy Labriola
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Top positive review

All positive reviews›
Paget M Norton
5.0 out of 5 starsPractical exercises for jealousy
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on May 4, 2023
Iโ€™ve read a number of books on nonmonogamy and jealousy, and this has been the most accessible and practical. I return to different exercises when I struggle with fear, anger, or sadness. I feel that Iโ€™m not alone with my challenges when I read the examples.

Itโ€™s not perfect, but it has enough of what works - and better than any other book Iโ€™ve seen on this topic.
Read more

Top critical review

All critical reviews›
JonnieCakesHead
1.0 out of 5 starsGaslighting as a form of therapy?
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on February 3, 2021
I'm going to be honest here: I haven't finished this book yet. I'm about two thirds of the way through. I'm going to finish it, but it's a strange read that doesn't actually have any healthy answers to the issue of jealousy. What is contained in this book is a collection of worksheets designed to walk through the steps/ideas she lays out in any given chapter. Followed by real life examples of each 'solution' that she has seen in her days as a counselor dealing with jealousy issues revolving around open relationships.

Oddly enough however, nearly all of the stories she has chosen to share are stories filled with gaslighting. Where one partner and this counselor convince the jealous partner that they're not actually feeling what they are feeling.

"Aren't you actually having a much more manageable emotion instead? In fact, isn't that emotion unfounded? If it is founded, don't you want to stop being selfish so your partner can have their 'best life'?"

Then the chapter ends with the jealous partner who originally had the issue saying, "Oh, ok. That makes sense. I can put my jealousy to bed now." Even when their actual concerns and issues haven't been addressed at all. Which makes each story really weird to read and leaves you wondering, how exactly did they reach that conclusion? The only answer to THAT is: By having their concerns invalidated, being gaslighted, and then learning how to 'cope' so that their partner can now continue their hurtful behavior unabated. All while continuing not to address the original concern, and giving no solution for it other than to come back to the gaslighting techniques. To forget that you're feeling what you're feeling.

Reading between all the lines here, using the information provided in these examples, what this book is truly all about is this: How to cope when you were in a previously committed, monogamous relationship and your partner has decided they want an open relationship. You've agreed because, well... what else are you going to do? You don't want your relationship to end suddenly, and abruptly, because your partner now has some sort of 'need' that suddenly can only be fulfilled outside of the relationship. So you have to be able to convince yourself that you're not feeling what you're actually feeling. And that it's not that big of a deal anyway.

One of the most insane examples I can give of this so far would be Chapter 11 - Unlearning Core Beliefs That Generate Jealousy.
Core Belief #1 - "If my partner really loved me, they wouldn't have any desire for a sexual relationship with anyone else." She then outlines 4 steps you can take to pretend to make yourself not feel the jealousy you're feeling. And if steps 1-3 don't work for you? Step 4 is literally to just create a new core belief to replace the one that has been violated for you. (Because if you change your Core Belief, there's no more issue then, right?)

New Core Belief #1 - "My partner loves me so much that they trust our relationship to expand and be enriched by experiencing even more love from others." Which is all well and good. But again, it doesn't actually address the original Core Belief. Because there doesn't seem to be an 'even more love' scenario for the partner who feels violated. They are receiving less love, no matter how you want to spin it. Unless you believe the gaslighting that your partner coming home and tossing you some crumbs of the New Relationship Energy they are getting from their new partner is the same as 'more love.' That partner then is expected to help create the environment where the other partner gets to safely maintain a home base so that they have a solid foundation to come back to, after they are done living their 'best life' for the moment. Until their 'best life' comes calling again. Then rinse and repeat this cycle.

I'll finish the book. I'll give it a chance to tie it all together and make sense. I really will...
But at the end of the day, this seems to be a manual to try to help a person who is having trouble with their partner going outside of the relationship. They don't actually want an open relationship. But they want their relationship to end even less than that. So much so they're willing to try anything to hold it together.

If that's you, then this is your book. If you have self-respect, you're probably going to want to move on.
Read more
103 people found this helpful

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From the United States

Paget M Norton
5.0 out of 5 stars Practical exercises for jealousy
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on May 4, 2023
Verified Purchase
Iโ€™ve read a number of books on nonmonogamy and jealousy, and this has been the most accessible and practical. I return to different exercises when I struggle with fear, anger, or sadness. I feel that Iโ€™m not alone with my challenges when I read the examples.

Itโ€™s not perfect, but it has enough of what works - and better than any other book Iโ€™ve seen on this topic.
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JonnieCakesHead
1.0 out of 5 stars Gaslighting as a form of therapy?
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on February 3, 2021
Verified Purchase
I'm going to be honest here: I haven't finished this book yet. I'm about two thirds of the way through. I'm going to finish it, but it's a strange read that doesn't actually have any healthy answers to the issue of jealousy. What is contained in this book is a collection of worksheets designed to walk through the steps/ideas she lays out in any given chapter. Followed by real life examples of each 'solution' that she has seen in her days as a counselor dealing with jealousy issues revolving around open relationships.

Oddly enough however, nearly all of the stories she has chosen to share are stories filled with gaslighting. Where one partner and this counselor convince the jealous partner that they're not actually feeling what they are feeling.

"Aren't you actually having a much more manageable emotion instead? In fact, isn't that emotion unfounded? If it is founded, don't you want to stop being selfish so your partner can have their 'best life'?"

Then the chapter ends with the jealous partner who originally had the issue saying, "Oh, ok. That makes sense. I can put my jealousy to bed now." Even when their actual concerns and issues haven't been addressed at all. Which makes each story really weird to read and leaves you wondering, how exactly did they reach that conclusion? The only answer to THAT is: By having their concerns invalidated, being gaslighted, and then learning how to 'cope' so that their partner can now continue their hurtful behavior unabated. All while continuing not to address the original concern, and giving no solution for it other than to come back to the gaslighting techniques. To forget that you're feeling what you're feeling.

Reading between all the lines here, using the information provided in these examples, what this book is truly all about is this: How to cope when you were in a previously committed, monogamous relationship and your partner has decided they want an open relationship. You've agreed because, well... what else are you going to do? You don't want your relationship to end suddenly, and abruptly, because your partner now has some sort of 'need' that suddenly can only be fulfilled outside of the relationship. So you have to be able to convince yourself that you're not feeling what you're actually feeling. And that it's not that big of a deal anyway.

One of the most insane examples I can give of this so far would be Chapter 11 - Unlearning Core Beliefs That Generate Jealousy.
Core Belief #1 - "If my partner really loved me, they wouldn't have any desire for a sexual relationship with anyone else." She then outlines 4 steps you can take to pretend to make yourself not feel the jealousy you're feeling. And if steps 1-3 don't work for you? Step 4 is literally to just create a new core belief to replace the one that has been violated for you. (Because if you change your Core Belief, there's no more issue then, right?)

New Core Belief #1 - "My partner loves me so much that they trust our relationship to expand and be enriched by experiencing even more love from others." Which is all well and good. But again, it doesn't actually address the original Core Belief. Because there doesn't seem to be an 'even more love' scenario for the partner who feels violated. They are receiving less love, no matter how you want to spin it. Unless you believe the gaslighting that your partner coming home and tossing you some crumbs of the New Relationship Energy they are getting from their new partner is the same as 'more love.' That partner then is expected to help create the environment where the other partner gets to safely maintain a home base so that they have a solid foundation to come back to, after they are done living their 'best life' for the moment. Until their 'best life' comes calling again. Then rinse and repeat this cycle.

I'll finish the book. I'll give it a chance to tie it all together and make sense. I really will...
But at the end of the day, this seems to be a manual to try to help a person who is having trouble with their partner going outside of the relationship. They don't actually want an open relationship. But they want their relationship to end even less than that. So much so they're willing to try anything to hold it together.

If that's you, then this is your book. If you have self-respect, you're probably going to want to move on.
103 people found this helpful
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JB
5.0 out of 5 stars Very Helpful
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on September 30, 2021
Verified Purchase
I am in a mono open relationship. It started to help fulfill my wife's greater sexual needs and her relationships with other men were just sexual. Then she started to form emotional connections. I have had a hard time dealing with this in the past and have had bad jealousy ending her relationships. She just met a guy she really likes an wants to have a more serious relationship with so more polyamory. I have had jealous moments but have been doing better than in the past. I read other books on Polyamory to better understand it an it is something I want to support. This book came up. I just finished all the exercises, read every page of the book. I feel so much better and realize I have an abundance of love from my wife. I was already okay sharing her sexually but now I am feeling much better about sharing her love as well and being able to better understand my own jealousy and take actions to better support and love her than have bouts of jealousy. Great book! I recommend it to anyone in an open relationship and thank the author for putting so much thought into it, have exercises to go through as well as educating the reader the reasons we feel Jealousy and how feeling jealousy is normal but also in my case my jealous fails the reality check and are not rational.
11 people found this helpful
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Christopher
3.0 out of 5 stars Seems to be for those with pathological jealousy.
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on February 4, 2022
Verified Purchase
This book doesn't seem to geared for run of the mill people, who are acutely struggling with jealousy. It seems to be more for those who suffer from pathological jealousy--like what would be seen and expected in those who have a delusional disorder, paranoid personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, etc.

Some of the advice is oversimplified, like just "change your core belief." Yeah. No kidding. But HOW does one do that?
5 people found this helpful
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jasmine martinez
4.0 out of 5 stars Has pros and cons
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on June 20, 2020
Verified Purchase
If youโ€™ve had been in more than one relationship in a monogamous or have already been involved for a while with a open relationship or polyamory this is a great book for you. But if your new to polyamory and only have had one relationship this wonโ€™t help you much now but later down the road.
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jasmine martinez
4.0 out of 5 stars Has pros and cons
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on June 20, 2020
If youโ€™ve had been in more than one relationship in a monogamous or have already been involved for a while with a open relationship or polyamory this is a great book for you. But if your new to polyamory and only have had one relationship this wonโ€™t help you much now but later down the road.
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10 people found this helpful
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Natalia V Gines
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on April 21, 2022
Verified Purchase
Thank you so much! I love it!
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Yaz MN
5.0 out of 5 stars Spot on
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on September 11, 2019
Verified Purchase
I worked through this workbook in two nights and cried most of the way through it because of how much I resonated with what it was leading me through. This was a fantastic, accessible way to penetrate some really hard emotions. I am so grateful to the author; best book on jealousy in nonmonogamy I have ever had -- and I've read a lot of them!
12 people found this helpful
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Jerrica
5.0 out of 5 stars Very helpful book!
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on August 31, 2019
Verified Purchase
I love love love this workbook. It's extremely helpful for those that are struggling with jealousy in an open relationship or in a poly relationship. It has sections to read and then it asks you questions to respond to. You write directly in the workbook. I will say it makes you dive fairly deeply into your history and feelings. But, it's an amazing book.
4 people found this helpful
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Erik
5.0 out of 5 stars A+++
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on April 30, 2020
Verified Purchase
Any couple that wants to open their relationship SHOULD buy this book. It is filled with a lot of fun activities you can do together to probe your interests and comfort levels, and helps to initiate a dialogue. A must read.
2 people found this helpful
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Kristen
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing!
Reviewed in the United States ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ on July 25, 2020
Verified Purchase
Everyone should do this, weather you are polyam or just trying to figure out relationships in general. I've used this book for a book club and recommend it to everyone!
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