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About Jeff Strand
Jeff Strand's bio was funnier when he talked about losing the Bram Stoker Award four times, but he's now a Bram Stoker Award WINNER!
His novels are usually classified as horror, but they're really all over the place, almost always with a great big dose of humor. He's written five young adult novels that all fall into the "really goofy comedy" category.
Several of his books are in development as motion pictures, and he's mostly not allowed to blab any details, which he finds MADDENING.
He lives in Chattanooga, Tennessee with his wife and one gigantic freaking cat.
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Titles By Jeff Strand
From the madman who brought you Gleefully Macabre Tales, Dead Clown Barbecue, Everything Has Teeth, and Candy Coated Madness comes Jeff Strand’s latest and most twisted collection: Freaky Briefs.
This time, all of the stories are flash fiction—very short stabs of pitch-black hilarity.
Includes fan favorites like “The Douchebag Who Reneged on the Death Pact,” along with brand-new stories like “A Story For the Dude on the Plane Who Keeps Looking at My Laptop Screen.” Seventy-five tales in all, proving that you can pack of a lot of grisly fun into small packages.
- The Douchebag Who Reneged on the Death Pact
- Fresh Fish
- Clicking the Heart
- The Wrong Dentist
- The Skull Within
- Oh No! Don’t Eat Me! (A Chocolate Bunny Tale)
- Thrill Ride
- The First Cannibals
- What’s in the Box?
- Jock Magnum, Manatee Hunter
- The Guy Who Didn’t Want to Murder Anybody With a Hammer
- Bummer Tarot Reading
- Pull My Finger
- Crazy’s Ralph’s Used Car Emporium
- Home With a Future
- The Tell Tale Heart II: Aftermath
- A Story I’m Writing While Being Devoured by a Lion
- Make a Wish
- Long Sleeves
- Fast Zombies Vs. Slow Zombies
- Scrape and Scoop
- How’s My Driving?
- Granny’s Got an Ice Pick
- A Story for the Dude on the Plane Who Keeps Looking at My Laptop Screen
- And There Was a Metal Hook
- Box of Chocolates
- The Frostbite Movie
- Ten Little Babies
- Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts
- The Night I Realized Halfway To The Pavement Below That I Was Not, In Fact, Superman
- Helen Gets Permanently Traumatized
- A Real Haunting
- Vegan Training
- Sherlock Holmes and the Murders at Camp Crystal Lake
- It’s Drabble Time!
- The Most Entertaining Man in the Elevator
- Wrongful Death Payday
- Jigsaw Puzzle
- The Satisfying Crunch of Bones Beneath My Feet
- Laundry Day
- All The Cheese In The World
- Not Enough Coins
- Below Deck
- The Cat Who Was Super Smart For A Cat But Pretty Dumb By Human Standards
- The Blind Men And The Elephant: A Parable
- Bradley Goes Crunch
- The Soupville Stabber Practices Social Distancing
- Bunny Ears
- The Tragic Tale of Slappy McWankerville
- Abner Wederman, Ribald Ostrich
- Last One In
- Too Meta 2 Live
- Santa Claus Kills 2020
- Yak Attack
- Job Reference
- The Man Without Nails
- The Last Egg
- Six Cents a Word
The perfect blend of horror and humor, I Have a Bad Feeling About This is a laugh-out-loud wilderness comedy about an ultimate survival camp that takes a deadly turn...
Wilderness Survival Tip #1
Drinking your own sweat will not save your life. Somebody might have told you that, but they were trying to find out if you'd really do it.
Wilderness Survival Tip #2
In case of an avalanche, don't despair. You're doomed, but that's a wicked cool death.
Wilderness Survival Tip #3
If you're relying on this book for actual survival tips, you're dead already.
Henry Lambert would rather play video games than spend time in the great outdoors—but that doesn't make him a wuss. Skinny nerd? Fine. But wuss is a little harsh. Sadly, his dad doesn't agree. Which is why Henry is being shipped off to Strongwoods Survival Camp.
Strongwoods isn't exactly as advertised. It looks like the victim of a zombie apocalypse, the "camp director" is a psycho drill sergeant, and Henry's sure he saw a sign written in blood...
Perfect for those looking for:
- Survival books for adults as well as young adults
- Hilarious comedy books for boys
- Teen books for boys ages 13-16
Also by Jeff Strand:
A Bad Day for Voo Doo
The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever
How You Ruined My Life
Stranger Things Have Happened
A DYING MAN’S GREATEST TREASURE…
Mortimer Moorecook, retired Wall Street raider, avid collector, is losing his fight against cancer. With weeks to live, a package arrives at the door of his hillside mansion—an artifact he paid millions for…a hominoid skull with elongated teeth, discovered in a farmer’s field in the Romanian countryside. With Shanna, his beautiful research assistant looking on, he sinks the skull’s razor sharp fangs into his neck, and immediately goes into convulsions.
OPENS THE DOOR TO AN ANCIENT EVIL...
A rural hospital. A slow night in the ER. Until Moorecook arrives strapped to a gurney, where he promptly codes and dies.
WHERE DEATH IS JUST THE BEGINNING.
Four well-known horror authors pool their penchants for scares and thrills, and tackle one of the greatest of all legends, with each writer creating a unique character and following them through a vampire outbreak in a secluded hospital.
The goal was simple: write the most intense novel they possibly could.
Which they did.
A Word of Warning:
Within these pages, you will find no black capes, no satin-lined coffins, no brooding heartthrobs who want to talk about your feelings. Forget sunlight and stakes. Throw out your garlic and your crosses. This is the Anti-TWILIGHT.
NOTE: DRACULAS is a full length novel, 80,000 words long. But this ebook is also brimming with an additional 80,000 words of extras and bonuses:
- a clickable table of contents
- a round-robin interview with Strand, Wilson, Crouch, and Kilborn about writing DRACULAS
- deleted scenes
- two alternate endings
- four excerpts from the authors’ other works
- the short story “Serial” by Crouch and Kilborn
- the short story “Cub Scout Gore Feast” by Kilborn and Strand
- the short story “A Sound of Blunder” by Kilborn and Wilson
- author biographies
- comprehensive clickable bibliographies
- an exclusive, behind-the-scenes look at the writing of DRACULAS, delivered through a collection of over seven hundred emails between the writers as they were brainstorming and writing the book
About the Authors:
F. PAUL WILSON is an award-winning, NY Times bestselling novelist whose work spans horror, adventure, medical thrillers, science fiction, young adult, and virtually everything between. He is best known as the author of THE KEEP and creator of the urban mercenary Repairman Jack.
J.A. KONRATH has sold over three million books worldwide. He's known for the Jack Daniels Thriller series and the Konrath Dark Thriller collective.
JEFF STRAND is the Bram Stoker Award-nominated author of such novels as PRESSURE, DWELLER, GRAVEROBBERS WANTED (NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY), BENJAMIN'S PARASITE, and THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE. His secret shame is SUCKERS, co-written with J.A. Konrath.
BLAKE CROUCH is the author of four thrillers, DESERT PLACES, LOCKED DOORS, ABANDON, and SNOWBOUND, all published by St. Martin’s Press. His short fiction
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Haunted Forest Tour!
Sit back and enjoy a smooth ride in air-conditioned comfort as your heavily armored tram takes you through nature’s most astonishing creation. The forest is packed to capacity with dangerous and terrifying creatures of all shapes, sizes, and hunger levels, and you’ll get to observe these wonders in complete safety.
Howl with a werewolf! Gaze into the glowing eyes of a giant spider! Look right through a spooky ghost! See horrific monsters you couldn’t even imagine, only inches away from you! Things with fangs, things with claws, things with dripping red jaws—you’ll see them all!
Not thrilling enough? Well, it’s Halloween, and so we’re offering a very special tour through the Haunted Forest. The new route goes deeper into the woods than any civilians have ventured before, and you’re guaranteed to get a good scare! Rest assured that every possible security precaution has been taken. The Haunted Forest Tour has a 100% safety record, and technical difficulties are unheard of. You will be in no danger whatsoever.
“[An] absolute gem of a read…What comes next is over two hundred pages of non stop, in your face, gore drenched action…You will be exhausted by the time you reach the satisfying last page…Think Jurassic Park with bloodthirsty demons on an adrenaline rush and you have The Haunted Forest Tour.”
“James A. Moore and Jeff Strand are a literary dream team. Devout readers of the genre are in for a real treat as these two horror heavyweights combine forces and battle their characters to the bloody death…Remember how it felt to inventory and consume your candy on Halloween night? That’s the atmosphere in the forest. You feel like a glutton, like you couldn’t possibly stomach one more gooey demise, but you turn the page and unwrap another nightmare anyway.”
“Moore and Strand heap scares upon plot twists in one of the freshest and most entertaining novels in recent years. The authors offer a frightening and high-octane tale, presented as an apocalyptic disaster movie.”
...a collection of entertaining tales that puts the fun back into dark fiction, with ironic twists and tongue-in-cheek wit to temper the jagged edge.
Charlaine Harris reveals the dark side of going green, when a quartet of die-hard environmentalists hosts a fundraiser with a gory twist in "An Evening with Al Gore"...In an all-new Dresden Files story from Jim Butcher, when it comes to tracking deadly paranormal doings, there's no such thing as a "Day Off" for the Chicago P.D.'s wizard detective, Harry Dresden...Sherrilyn Kenyon turns a cubicle-dwelling MBA with no life into a demon-fighting seraph with one hell of an afterlife in "Where Angels Fear to Tread"...Celebrity necromancer Jaime Vegas is headlining a sold-out séance tour, but behind the scenes, a disgruntled ghost has a bone to pick, in Kelley Armstrong's "The Ungrateful Dead." Plus tales guaranteed to get under your skin -- in a good way -- from
Janet Berliner Don D'Ammassa Nancy Holder Nancy KilpatrickJ. A. Konrath and F. Paul Wilson Joe R. Lansdale Will LudwigsenSharyn McCrumb Mark Onspaugh Mike Resnick Steven SavileD. L. Snell Eric James Stone Jeff Strand Lucien Soulban Matt Venne Christopher Welch
So let the blood flow and laughter reign -- because when it comes to facing our deepest, darkest fears, a little humor goes a long way!
This mockumentary-style dark comedy recounts the grisly events surrounding the terrible slasher flick THE ROOFER, remembered only because an obsessed fan tried to reenact the murders as they played out on the screen. When the same theater shows the film twenty years later, will the warnings that this is a really, really bad idea be justified?
The government has swiftly dealt with many a crisis... But can it survive the diabolical ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES?
After a series of bizarre and increasingly horrific attacks from pulpy, red, seeded fruit, Mason Dixon finds himself leading a "crack" team of specialists to save the planet. But will they be quick enough to save everyone? To save you? You can't run! You can't swim!
There's nowhere to hide! THE KILLER TOMATOES ARE EVERYWHERE!
A serial kidnapper is preying upon women. He abducts them, then locks them in one of the cages dangling from the ceiling in a soundproofed basement. There, he sits quietly and just watches them, returning night after night, hoping he'll be in the room at the moment his beautiful captives finally starve to death.
Charlene and Gertie have become fast friends at the restaurant where they work. But Charlene is concerned when she hears how her co-worker spends her evenings: Gertie's cousin is one of the missing, and Gertie wanders the city streets where many of the abductions took place, using herself as bait with a high-voltage stun gun in her pocket. Charlene reluctantly offers to trail her in a car, just in case she does lure the kidnapper and things go wrong.
Unfortunately, the women find themselves the source of unwanted fame. And now they're on the radar of a very, very dangerous man...
"MY PRETTIES is full of twists and turns, and just when I thought I knew where Strand was going with the story, he turned it on its head and shocked the shit out of me. And being Jeff Strand, he made me laugh as much as he was making me cringe." -- Horror Drive-In
Amazon reviewers are saying...
"One of Strand's best novels."
"One of Strand's darkest and most disturbing novels."
"One of the most original and suspenseful horror releases of 2019."
"One of Jeff Strand's best if not his best book to date."
"The story twist had me floored."
Evan Portin is at a sad, scary place in his life. While taking a long walk to compose himself and figure out where to go from here, he encounters a young woman being mugged in a park.
When he tries to intervene, he discovers that she doesn't need his help. At all.
Her name is Harriett. She is very, very good at defending herself. Everything she owns is in a large backpack. She's never seen a cell phone. She's never been in a car. She's never really ventured into the outside world.
And she says she's traveling across the country to slay a Cyclops.
She's crazy, right? Evan is not in the habit of hanging out with delusional women he's just met. On the other hand, it can't hurt to offer her a ride out of town. And maybe this insane journey is exactly what he needs...
"Jeff Strand is a masterful storyteller. His writing is always fresh, compelling, funny, frightening, and inventive.” –Jonathan Maberry, New York Times best-selling author of Patient Zero, Rot & Ruin and Mars One.
Alex stared at the red pocketknife shown to him by his daughter. A pocketknife owned by somebody he hadn't seen in years…
They met first in boarding school at age twelve. Alex Fletcher, shy and scared. Darren Rust, always furiously scribbling away in a private journal. It was not an immediate friendship, but then one night Darren convinced his roommate to sneak off school grounds to see something glorious. There was a sleazy strip club, you see, and every once in a while the back door opened just long enough to maybe catch a quick glimpse…
Though a bond was formed from their pre-pubescent interest in naked women, Darren had another interest. A morbid curiosity about death. A curiosity that turned into something much more sinister.
They crossed paths again in college and became the best of friends. But Darren wasn't just looking for a friend. He had dark, ghastly urges squirming around in his head, and he believed he saw the same things—the urge to hurt, the urge to kill—in Alex. He was looking for somebody who understood. A partner.
But Alex could never become a monster. Not even when Darren tried to bring out his friend's most deeply buried feelings of rage. Not even when Darren tried to show him the euphoria of having that much power over another human being. It just couldn't happen…right?
Now Alex has a wife and a daughter. And Darren is back. He's hiding. He's patient. His mind is twisted in the worst possible way.
And he's seeking a soulmate.
"This book would be a good stepping stone for those readers who enjoy the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series."—School Library Connection
Jeff Strand's signature humor returns in this tale of magic, illusions, and self-discovery.
Harry Houdini. Penn and Teller. David Copperfield. Marcus Millian the Third.
Okay, so Marcus isn't a famous magician. He may not even be a great magician. But his great-grandfather, the once-legendary and long-retired Zachary the Stupendous, insists Marcus has true talent. And when Grandpa Zachary boasts that he and Marcus are working on an illusion that will shock, stun, and astonish, Marcus wishes he could make himself disappear.
The problem? Marcus also has stage fright—in spades. It's one thing to perform elaborate card tricks in front of his best friend, Kimberly, but it's an entirely different feat to perform in front of an audience.
Then Grandpa Zachary dies in his sleep.
To uphold his great-grandfather's honor, the show must go on. It would take a true sorcerer to pull off the trick Marcus has planned. But maybe he's the next best thing...