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Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy Paperback – October 23, 2020
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"Secure attachment is absolutely central to successful polyamorous relationships, and insecure attachment is at the core of the jealousy and other challenges in open relationships of all kinds. This book can help poly people, as well as clinicians, get to the heart of their struggles and pain. It can help them to take concrete steps to become more comfortable with their nonmonogamous relationships and trust their partner’s love and commitment. This is required reading for people in open relationships and should be used as a textbook for every therapist who works with people in polyamorous relationships." —Kathy Labriola, counselor, nurse, and author of The Polyamory Breakup Book
"Gives people a way to understand how they may be recreating old patterns by bringing their own childhood attachment styles into their adult relationships. More importantly, it offers concrete skills for how to use this knowledge to create healthier, more satisfying and secure relationship dynamics." —Max Rivers, author of Loving Conflict: How Conflict Is Really Your Relationship Trying to Go Deeper
"I whole-heartedly recommend this book to anyone interested in self-acceptance and self-mastery, as well as their own emotional well-being as they build loving, sustainable, healthy multiple relationships." —Kitty Chambliss, relationship coach and author of Jealousy Survival Guide: How to Feel Safe, Happy and Secure in an Open Relationship
"Anyone even considering nonmonogamy would benefit from reading Polysecure. Jessica Fern does an excellent job of not only explaining attachment theory and applying it to nonmonogamy but also offering real steps readers can take and skills they can hone to help create the secure, satisfying relationships they want." —JoEllen Notte, sex educator and author of The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression, and the Conversations We Aren’t Having
"This is my favorite kind of book. Not only does it dissect the intricacies of interpersonal dynamics into fun charts and lists, but it also provides a helpful how-to for applying this information in your actual relationships, and to every aspect of your own life. I’m suggesting it to all my therapist friends immediately!" —Tikva Wolf, creator of Kimchi Cuddles and author of It’s OK, Feelings, I Got You and Love, Retold.
"Smart, readable, path-setting, and deeply caring. And practical. Jessica Fern presents abundant material that will inform poly-friendly therapists everywhere, and she offers six particular strategies that will help polyfolks and their beloveds to become more "polysecure" in their relationships." —Lindsay Hayes, Polyamory in the News
"Polysecure is a must-read for polyamorous folks and for therapists with clients who are practicing consensual non-monogamy. However, I believe that its insights and messages could open doors for people who have, or are hoping to find, a single partner. We all carry unconscious beliefs about what love is and what it can be—and we can all benefit from asking ourselves if those beliefs really are leading us to the love we need." —Jeremy Adam Smith, Greater Good Magazine
About the Author
Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist, public speaker and trauma and relationship expert. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.
Naava Smolash, who sometimes writes under the pen name Nora Samaran, is the author of Turn This World Inside Out: The Emergence of Nurturance Culture (AK Press, 2019).
Eve Rickert is the co-author of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (Thorntree Press, 2014).
- Publisher : Thorntree Press (October 23, 2020)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 288 pages
- ISBN-10 : 1944934987
- ISBN-13 : 978-1944934989
- Item Weight : 11.9 ounces
- Dimensions : 5.25 x 0.8 x 8 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #1,771 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
Top reviews from the United States
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Possibly because it's the middle of the pandemic, and my reading brain isn't as sharp, but the beginning chapters of the book were a little dry and hard for me to get into. However, the middle and ending were both more readable, and helpful.
One concept the author touched on that I'd never seen before, is our childhood attachment patterns might be MIXED. We might have had one parent/adult to whom we enjoyed a secure attachment, and another who was inconsistent, even abusive/traumatic. As this translates to polyamory, we might have one partner to whom we are securely attached, and another with whom our attachment is anxious, avoidant, or mixed, possibly because they push those same buttons. This was tremendously helpful for me.
The book acknowledges the many different ways people "poly:" from an existing monogamous relationship, as solo polyam, from swinging, and more, makes it more accessible to all the different kinds of people seeking to be polysecure. It also addresses the issue of whether people are inherently polyamorous (born this way), or it's a lifestyle choice, and the answer seems to be, Yes. Some people DO feel they were born polyamorous, and others choose it as a lifestyle, and neither position is wrong, BUT having partners with different outlooks can create friction within that relationship, even though both parties are polyamorous.
The HEARTS concept of attaching to our partners, and even, to ourselves, also great. Relationships aren't like bookcases from Ikea - each one is different, BUT having concrete steps to take to improve a relationship that we might not have thought of, is great. I also really liked the last section, on building a more secure relationship with ourselves.
Every polyamorous person, and every therapist who works with polyamorous people, should put a copy of this book on their shelves.
Here’s my summary.
- Secure attachment is more work in Ethically Nonmonogamous relationships
- Attachment anxiety is different than jealousy
- Explicitly talk about attachment expectations with partners
- Securely attached partners can provide a Safe Landing (safety, comfort) or a Secure Base (growth)
In between these few interesting points the book was blah blah about how you can be traumatized and tips on being a better partner. The latter is better found in books like “The Five Love Languages”.
Top reviews from other countries
If only it didn't skip into "woke" feminism for a few pages around page 90. It's only a few pages, but undermines the authors' credibility by adding a gendered bias to the whole book.
You see, the corresponding points on the challenges and discrimation men face in society and how they impact men's attachments, are not pages, but 2 paragraphs.
While this is disappointing, the book does bring insights into attachements and should not overlooked entirely.