Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy Audible Audiobook – Unabridged
Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you’re striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner?
Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships.
Polysecure is both a trailblazing theoretical treatise and a practical guide. It provides nonmonogamous people with a new set of tools to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships and offers radical new concepts that are sure to influence the conversation about attachment theory.
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|Listening Length||7 hours and 52 minutes|
|Narrator||Jessica Fern, Eve Rickert, Nora Samaran|
|Whispersync for Voice||Ready|
|Audible.com Release Date||October 23, 2020|
|Best Sellers Rank||
#1,024 in Audible Books & Originals (See Top 100 in Audible Books & Originals)
#3 in Sociology of Marriage & Family (Books)
#6 in Marriage & Long-Term Partnerships
#12 in Parenting & Families
Top reviews from the United States
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Possibly because it's the middle of the pandemic, and my reading brain isn't as sharp, but the beginning chapters of the book were a little dry and hard for me to get into. However, the middle and ending were both more readable, and helpful.
One concept the author touched on that I'd never seen before, is our childhood attachment patterns might be MIXED. We might have had one parent/adult to whom we enjoyed a secure attachment, and another who was inconsistent, even abusive/traumatic. As this translates to polyamory, we might have one partner to whom we are securely attached, and another with whom our attachment is anxious, avoidant, or mixed, possibly because they push those same buttons. This was tremendously helpful for me.
The book acknowledges the many different ways people "poly:" from an existing monogamous relationship, as solo polyam, from swinging, and more, makes it more accessible to all the different kinds of people seeking to be polysecure. It also addresses the issue of whether people are inherently polyamorous (born this way), or it's a lifestyle choice, and the answer seems to be, Yes. Some people DO feel they were born polyamorous, and others choose it as a lifestyle, and neither position is wrong, BUT having partners with different outlooks can create friction within that relationship, even though both parties are polyamorous.
The HEARTS concept of attaching to our partners, and even, to ourselves, also great. Relationships aren't like bookcases from Ikea - each one is different, BUT having concrete steps to take to improve a relationship that we might not have thought of, is great. I also really liked the last section, on building a more secure relationship with ourselves.
Every polyamorous person, and every therapist who works with polyamorous people, should put a copy of this book on their shelves.
Here’s my summary.
- Secure attachment is more work in Ethically Nonmonogamous relationships
- Attachment anxiety is different than jealousy
- Explicitly talk about attachment expectations with partners
- Securely attached partners can provide a Safe Landing (safety, comfort) or a Secure Base (growth)
In between these few interesting points the book was blah blah about how you can be traumatized and tips on being a better partner. The latter is better found in books like “The Five Love Languages”.