Ignore every good review you see on this movie here, because none of them could have possibly watched this. They must be AstroTurf.
As the title says, this movie is the closest thing we will ever get to Tommy Wiseau directing the Wicker Man. Let's start with the positive parts and then move on to the litany of issues.
*Caroline Vreeland is amazing to look at. In fact, this movie would have been infinitely better if it was just her standing in a stream for the entire run time of the movie. One extra star just for her.
*Let's start with the opening scenes with Michael Madsen. I'll be frank: they exist for no reason. Every function they should have offered could have been performed by a character narrating an off-camera fate. In fact, the filming of the scenes themselves hurt the movie: it immediately tells you who the bad guys, eliminating any surprise about what's coming. It's almost like two different people directed these and the rest of the movie and didn't communicate between the too what the other was trying. They wasted budget casting Madsen and getting the shooting location. It should have been cut out immediately.
*The editing and cinematography are atrocious. Visual continuity is broken repeatedly, common sense segues are missing, and camera angles are amateurishly shot from locations that make no sense.
*The script is horrifyingly bad. It doesn't sound like a person wrote it. It sounds like a sentient plant heard humans talk and tried to mimick what it thought people sounded like. Imagine translating something in Google from English to Finnish, and then refeeding the Finnish back into Google to change into English. It felt like that, but with conversation.
*There's no believable character depth, conversations make no sense, and there's multiple scenes where you will wonder "why did they bother to shoot this, it serves no purpose".
*Action choreography makes no sense. Fights are wooden and alien. It feels like there were no takes and they filmed everything over a very boring lunch break.
*SWEET GOD THAT ACTING.
*As mentioned above, the film routinely undermines its twist ending by telegraphing all the secrets thoroughout the entire movie.
*And once the twist is revealed... It makes no sense chronologically. You know it's coming, but you also can't figure out how any of it makes sense.