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The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness out of Blame Kindle Edition
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Whether or not you are a childhood trauma survivor, this book is a guide to emotional health. The degree of our mental health is often reflected in the degree to which we love and respect ourselves and others in a myriad of different feeling states. Real self-esteem and real intimacy with others depends on the ability to lovingly be there for oneself and others, whether one's feeling experience is pleasant or unpleasant. Those who can only be there for themselves or another during the "good" times show no constancy, inspire little trust, and are only fair weather friends to themselves and others.
Without access to our dysphoric feelings, we are deprived of the most fundamental part of our ability to notice when something is unfair, abusive, or neglectful. Those who cannot feel their sadness often do not know when they are being unfairly excluded, and those who cannot feel their normal angry or fearful responses to abuse, are often in danger of putting up with it without protest.
Repressing our emotions creates anxiety and stress, and stress, like most of our emotions is often treated like some unwanted waste that must be removed. Until all of the emotions are accepted indiscriminately (and acceptance does not imply license to dump emotions irresponsibly or abusively), there can be no wholeness, no real sense of well being, and no solid sense of self esteem.
Thus, while it may be fairly easy to like oneself when feelings of love, happiness or serenity are present, deeper psychological health is seen only in the individual who can maintain a posture of self-compassion and self-respect in the times of emotional hurt that accompany life's inevitable losses, disappointments and unforeseen difficulties.
Finally this book explores the nature and limits of real forgiveness - identifying behaviors and people who cannot authentically be forgiven.
About the Author
Pete Walker is a licensed marriage and family psychotherapist with degrees in social work and counseling psychology. He has been working as a counselor, lecturer, writer, and group leader for thirty-five years; and as a trainer, supervisor and consultant of other therapists for twenty years. Pete lives and luxuriates in family life with his wife and nine year old son in the San Francisco Bay Area. He enjoys his art work, gardening, hiking, and reading to his son. Pete also holds certificates in supervision from The California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and from The Psychotherapy Institute in Berkeley. Pete is a general practitioner who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). He has a great deal of recovery from his own CPTSD, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own forty-year journey of recovering. Petes articles on a multi-modal approach to treating CPTSD have been published in a number of therapy magazines and websites. His therapeutic approach is eclectic and Relational (Intersubjective). He guides the therapeutic process with values that include empathy, vulnerability, authenticity, and mutuality. Petes first book, The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out Of Blame, has been acclaimed by many therapists, recovery websites, and clients as a powerful, compassionate, and pragmatic tool for guiding recovery.--This text refers to the audioCD edition.
- ASIN : B017I3NRRO
- Publisher : Azure Coyote Publishing (November 2, 2015)
- Publication date : November 2, 2015
- Language : English
- File size : 620 KB
- Simultaneous device usage : Unlimited
- Text-to-Speech : Enabled
- Screen Reader : Supported
- Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
- X-Ray : Enabled
- Word Wise : Enabled
- Print length : 295 pages
- Lending : Enabled
- Best Sellers Rank: #86,715 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- Customer Reviews:
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I have been in some sort of therapy for 22 years - but I realize I was only maintaining a holding pattern and nothing I ever did would have a chance of really making a difference if I did not understand the truths covered in The The Tao of Fully Feeling. I have also read Pete Walkers Complex CPTSD which is equally life-changing. Each is so powerful. Pete's writing is gentle, thoughtful and deep while he never holds back from the truth - I really value the wonderful quotes that he has sprinkled throughout both books - acting as both capsules for complex ideas and springboards to allow you to dive deeper.
Pete talks about things that society and often therapists are unsure of speaking about from a stance of both fear that the truth is too brutal together with lack of knowledge.
Complex PTSD was only beginning to be written about in the mid-1990 - Judith Herman coined the phrase in her brutally honest book 'Trauma and Recovery'. The idea that emotional neglect, something so unseeable from the outside, could have such a devastating and ongoing effect on the lives of its victims is revelatory. In both Pete Walker's books, he maps out all the things I have struggled with all my life - thinking I must be really defective. The Toa of Fully Feeling in particular really uncovers why I am as I am and it is not the innate me that is this way - I have become this way as a result of the emotional trauma experienced in my early life, reinforced over and over by the patterns my inner parent invented to keep me safe. And now that I have seen the kind of hole I am in can I find a way out of it.
During my years of therapy, I have done the sorts that "expected" you to forgive parents ...but I never could, leaving me in a sea of guilt, assuming I am a bad person. The Toa of Fully Feeling explains that forgiveness only occurs when one places blame where it is due and feels the anger and loss around that. It reminds me that "taking the blame", as victims are trained to do (and is often implied in premature forgiveness practices) exacerbates the trauma. I am learning to place the blame where it is due and not to take the blame for anything that was/is not mine to take - I see it as part of the idea Brene Brown talks about of owning my story completely... if you take the blame for something not yours to own, you make your story a lie! It seems one may well harvest forgiveness out of blame.
Thank you, Pete Walker, for writing this and your other books - they have the capacity to heal the world one person at a time.
If you've had 'therapy' and walked away more confused than EVER - please buy this book.
Pete uses his own experience of dealing with a troublesome life that he finally mastered - and he explains things very clearly and compassionately to you, and for you.
The biggest compliment I can pay to Pete is that I felt he actually knew me and all the problems I had to deal with during my early years. I was always loved, never abused - as such, never beaten up, never locked away in a cellar or tortured, but... there were things that I should have had, like encouragement and praise and understanding that I now realise I did not get enough of in my early years. After reading The Tao, I am now looking after my 'little person' that dwells within all of us, for all of our lives.
Pete also has a web page where he offers advice on all kinds of healing actions.
If anything I have said rings a bell with you, please buy this book - YOU deserve it.
Several years ago after suspecting I had acquired this quality due to the difficulty I was having in my attempts to develop and maintain primary relationships, I went to see a therapist to confirm my personal assessment. I was at a level 9 out of 10, and according to my therapist, the same as a women who had been repeatedly raped, a parallel experience I was subjected to as a child due to the repeated sexual abuse inflicted on me from a much older male sibling, and other abuses including neglect, religious abuse and more from my primary caregivers.
What I came to realize was the relationship I really needed to heal is the relationship I have with myself, and this book, along with help from an outside support group, gives me the guidance I need to do that. I'm not going to sugarcoat this; it's difficult, sometimes immensely painful work, but when I experience those moments, and sometimes even days when I feel whole and grounded and in touch with the true self I lost when I went into emotional hiding decades ago, I know it is worth whatever effort I need to apply in relationship to my own recovery. This book focuses on just that, and it's priceless to me.
Top reviews from other countries
Having only just started using the healing processes in the books, it’s early to say how successful they will be but I am already seeing small improvements and am very optimistic. I’ll hopefully update this review further down the line. It feels important to also share that I have been working with spiritual practices for over ten years and although they have helped to some degree, I resonate with the suggestion in Pete’s books that you can’t just meditate the trauma away and that it needs to be felt and processed.