The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God Audible Audiobook – Unabridged

Timothy Keller (Author), Lloyd James (Narrator), Marguerite Gavin (Narrator),

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Based on his most popular sermon series, New York Times best-selling author Timothy Keller delivers an extraordinarily insightful look at the keys to happiness in marriage.

Few subjects are as compelling-or as endlessly variable-as love and marriage. The Bible is filled with references to husbands and wives, from the story of Adam and Eve to advice in the New Testament, each open to interpretation.

In The Meaning of Marriage, Timothy Keller, pastor of New York's Redeemer Presbyterian Church and bestselling author of The Reason for God, uses the scriptures as his guide to show readers what God's call to marriage is, and why this is such a powerful call. He talks in frank terms about the difficulties that couples have and how they can best work them out while keeping their faith in God intact.

The Meaning of Marriage showcases Keller's vast understanding of the Bible and how it can not only be relevant to relationships today but also form the foundation of a modern, healthy, loving, and long- lasting marriage.

Listening Length

8 hours and 15 minutes
Author

Timothy Keller
Narrator

Lloyd James, see all
Audible release date

November 1, 2011
Language

English
Publisher

Penguin Audio
ASIN

B0067MFBOK
Version

Unabridged
Program Type

Audiobook
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Product details

Listening Length	8 hours and 15 minutes
Author	Timothy Keller
Narrator	Lloyd James, Marguerite Gavin
Whispersync for Voice	Ready
Audible.com Release Date	November 01, 2011
Publisher	Penguin Audio
Program Type	Audiobook
Version	Unabridged
Language	English
ASIN	B0067MFBOK
Best Sellers Rank	#2,660 in Audible Books & Originals (See Top 100 in Audible Books & Originals) #2 in Religious Counseling #9 in Christian Marriage & Relationships #21 in Christian Marriage (Books)

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Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on July 25, 2022

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The Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller

This is the best book I have read on marriage, and I recommend it to anyone from singles who are thinking about dating to those whose marriages are severely strained. It developed out of sermons to Keller's church in NYC that is heavily populated by singles who are marriage skeptics. Singles may have to wait a few chapters to get to Keller's most relevant points for them, but it is worth it. There are some problematic statements that keep this book from "perfect." But a lot of gold nuggets. Like all Tim Keller books, it is thoroughly researched and rich in biblical commentary.

My key takeaways:

The authors, quoting Duke University professor Stanley Hauerwas: "(W)e always marry the wrong person. We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is . . . learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married."

As Keller reiterates: "No two people are compatible."

That is the most important takeaway that I find contrary to either what most people under 40 believe today or what culture teaches. As I heard someone put it recently, "we don't just marry one person for life, we marry 30 different people with the same name." Bodies and minds change, preferences and hobbies change, nothing can be predicted. What marriage (ideally) creates is a legal and social commitment of one person to another to support one another through all of those things.

This begs the question: Then whom should we marry? The Kellers give some advice, while acknowledging at the beginning of the book that they are personally friends with couples with long marriages among people who are quite different from one another culturally and in personalities. In short, they recommend considering marrying one of your good friends. He recommends finding someone that you can currently see God working in and in which you would enjoy being part of the project.

"Ultimately, your marriage partner should be part of what could be called your 'mythos.' C. S. Lewis spoke of a 'secret thread' that unites every person’s favorite books, music, places, or pastimes."

"Comprehensive attraction is something that you can begin to sense with people if you deliberately disable the default 'money, looks, and polish' screening mode."

When can you begin to be confident you're ready for marriage with your potential spouse?

"Have you been through and solved a few sharp conflicts? Have you been through a cycle of repenting and forgiving? Have each of you shown the other that you can make changes out of love for the other?" And are you in a Christian community with other married couples and singles you can learn from and can hold you accountable?

Keller deals significantly and usefully with the issue of sex, as many in his congregation have cohabited and our culture strongly suggests that sexual fulfillment as a fundamental right.

"One reason we can burn with seemingly uncontrollable sexual passion is because, at the moment, our hearts believe the lie that if we have a great, romantic, sexual experience, we will finally feel deeply fulfilled."

"Sex is for fully committed relationships because it is a foretaste of the joy that comes from being in complete union with God through Christ...We look to sex and romance to give us what we used to get from faith in God...Only meeting Christ face-to-face will fill the emptiness in our hearts that sin created when we lost our unbroken fellowship with him."

The cautions the authors list about the downsides of sex outside of marriage are both biblical and practical Sex has "power to soften your heart toward another person and make you more trusting." This makes it harder to end the relationship and ignore troubling warning signs. You may trust that a person is faithful, but outside the covenant of marriage that other person has no legal or or social obligation to you.

Keller pushes back on a troubling cultural trend noted in surveys of what people want from marriage. Namely, that singles want the freedom to keep being themselves while also demanding a partner who will fulfill them sexually and intellectually without asking for any sacrifices or change. Keller notes "this is antithetical to biblical marriage." The reality is that marriage exposes our selfishness. We see our partner's selfishness and he or she sees ours. Biblical marriage is two people involved in a higher goal of helping the other be more holy. It involves two committed partners building trust while pointing out the sins and selfishness in the other and working towards greater improvement and harmony.

"While it is true that some 45 percent of marriages end in divorce, by far the greatest percentage of divorces happen to those who marry before the age of eighteen, who have dropped out of high school, and who have had a baby together before marrying... if you are a reasonably well-educated person with a decent income, come from an intact family and are religious, and marry after twenty-five without having a baby first, your chances of divorce are low indeed.”

"All surveys tell us that the number of married people who say they are 'very happy' in their marriages is high—about 61–62 percent—and there has been little decrease in this figure during the last decade."

However, the authors make at least one incorrect interpretation of data, stating: "two-thirds of those unhappy marriages out there will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced." It seems to be an incomplete fragment from a survey on a particular datapoint. It cannot logically be the case that 2/3 of all people surveyed at any point of the happiness or despair in their marriage will be happy within five years no matter what, which is how the authors present this fractured datapoint. I say that as someone in a struggling marriage that got worse, not matter, over the last five years of it.

In all, I give this book five stars and recommend it to anyone. Christian libraries are filled with marriage books and it seems every known pastor feels obligated to write his own take. But this one eclipses most that I have read so far, and I think Keller's experience with a more diverse and challenging audience in New York really pays off in his writing.

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Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on August 20, 2016

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What I appreciated most about this book is the author’s deep affection for his wife. Reading through this book, you can tell that they really do cherish each other. It’s refreshing to hear a Pastor honor his wife’s talents while admitting how much he needs her. Timothy Keller writes on page 163, “To my wife, I’m Superman, and it makes me feel like a man in a way nothing else could.”

That’s what you want to hear in a marriage book. I also appreciated Tim’s brutal honesty with himself, admitting where he’s made mistakes in his marriage and how it took the wisdom of his wife to get him back on the right track.

He makes some really good points in this book such as—

“If you never express anger, your truth telling probably won’t sink in.” (p. 184)

Then he gives a lot of reasons to avoid sin—but honestly, we only need a simple love for Christ. That’s it. If you really love Christ—that’s enough to keep you on the straight and narrow without all these other reasons getting in the way.

Later on, Pastor Tim has a real powerful insight on problems with the rising trend of Christian courtship trying to replace Christian dating. He writes,
“There are some evangelical Christian communities that have sought to reestablish the kinds of pathways that were prevalent in former times. Some have proposed a very father directed form of courtship in which a young woman’s father chooses mates and directs the process. I believe that by and large these return to courtship movements are beset with many problems. They don’t take into consideration the idols that were inherent in traditional societies and they each institutionalize one particular moment in human social history.” (p. 235-236)

That’s a great point. We need to not get stuck on one generation’s methods when the Bible transcends time.

Now about the rest of the book. While I understand where Pastor Tim is coming from on many points he makes—this book is written in such a complicated way that even those of us who can read at a Ph.D. level are left struggling to understand parts of it. Maybe this book was intended as a textbook for a seminary class on Bible theology. Listen to this example and decide for yourself if this is DRY reading—

“Even today’s critics of monogamy must grant that—at least pragmatically—we can’t really live without it. One of the reasons for this is the growing body of empirical research.” (p. 39)

Moving right along…..

This book continues with some eye-brow raising personal opinions such as

“I’m tired of listening to sentimental talks on marriage.….much of what I’ve heard on the subject has as much depth as a Hallmark card. While marriage is many things, it is anything but sentimental.” (p. 13)

“Marriage used to be a public institution for the common good, and now it is a private arrangement for the satisfaction of the individuals.” (p. 22)

“A pastor is required to befriend a lot of people that he would never otherwise choose as friends.” (p. 108)

“The only way for you to be truly free is to link your feelings to an obligation.” (p. 103)

Let’s clear that one up right now—Jesus said that what sets us free is abiding in His Word.

Now getting back to this book—the author’s main point is that marriage requires constant selfless giving of yourselves to your spouse. Of course—we all agree with that but somehow this book goes so far overboard emphasizing sacrifice that it forgets that Jesus actually said in Matthew 9:13(NIV), “Go and learn what this means—I desire mercy, NOT SACRIFICE.”

Let that sink in for a moment. While Jesus does call us to turn away from the pleasures of the world, take up our cross and follow Him—there’s a huge difference between laying down our lives for Christ and suffering to meet the endless demands of a narcissist spouse.

Listen to what God says in Hoshea 6:6(GW)
“I want your loyalty, not your sacrifices. I want you to know me, not to give me burnt offerings.”

“Watch your step when you enter God’s house. Enter to learn. That’s far better than mindlessly offering a sacrifice, doing more harm than good.” Ecc 5:1(MSG)

That’s what this book doesn’t understand. While selflessly giving yourself to your spouse is the basic ingredient of marriage—it can’t solve every marriage problem. Yet this book uses sacrifice to solve every marriage problem instead of teaching how to set boundaries to protect people. Then it goes further and says some things that leave you wondering where he’s coming from.

When I read pages 59-63, I almost fell out of my chair.

He writes,
“There are many reasons that we cannot see our own self-centeredness. One of the main factors that hides it from us is our own history of mistreatment. Many people come to marriage having been seriously hurt by parents, lovers, or former spouses…...Then there are the dating relationships or former marriages in which the other party wronged and betrayed you.” (p. 59-60)

“Woundedness makes us self-absorbed.” (p. 60)

“Woundedness is compounded self-doubt, guilt, resentment, and disillusionment.”
(p. 60)

“Our hurts and wounds can make our self-centeredness even more intractable.” (p. 61)

“This is not hard to see in others, of course. When you being to talk to wounded people, it is not long before they begin talking about themselves. They’re so engrossed in their own pain and problems that they don’t realize what they look like to others. They are not sensitive to the needs of others. They don’t pick up the cues of those who are hurting or if they do, they only do in a self-involved way……They get involved with others in an obsessive and controlling way because they are actually meeting their own needs though they deceive themselves about this.” (p. 60)

“When you point out selfish behavior to a wounded person, he or she will say…....the wounds justify the behavior.” (p. 61)

“There are two ways to diagnose and treat this condition.….In this (secular) view of things we give wounded people almost nothing but support, encouraging them to stop letting others run their lives, urging them to find out what their dreams are and take steps to fulfill them. That we think is the way to healing. But this approach assumes that self centeredness isn’t natural…...only the product of some kind of mistreatment…..That is a very popular view of many people in the West but this view of things simply doesn’t work.” (p. 61)

“Christian approach…....(is that) we believe that as badly wounded as persons may be, the resulting self-absorption of the human heart was not caused by the mistreatment. It was only magnified and shaped by it. Their mistreatment poured gasoline on the fire and the flame and smoke now choke them but their self-centeredness already existed prior to their woundedness.” (p. 61-62)

“All people need to be treated gently and respectfully, esp. those who have been wounded…….Nevertheless, all people must be challenged to see that their self-centeredness hasn’t been caused by the people who hurt them its only been aggravated by the abuse.” (p. 63)

“The woundedness makes us minimize our own selfishness.” (p. 63)

Reading that reminded me of something that happened a while back. One time I was driving down the street when several cars ahead of me—a motorcyclist was hit by a car. Everyone immediately tried to help him. Several people ran over to administer first aid. Others blocked traffic to protect him while he was laying on the pavement. Someone called an ambulance and the paramedics came. To this day, I’ll never forget seeing that poor guy laying broken and bloodied on the pavement—writhing in pain as the paramedics worked on him. Fortunately, they said his injuries weren’t life threatening.

Now picture this for a moment. Imagine that while the motorcyclist is laying in the middle of the street—someone comes over to him and says, “Stop being so selfish. Forget about your injuries. Get on your feet and start taking care of everyone else!”

That would be heartless and cruel!

But while Jesus Himself is “touched with the feeling of our infirmity” this book seems to run right over them.

How does that make God feel? Look at Ezekiel 34:4(GNT)—where God gets REALLY ANGRY at Pastors because they weren’t doing their job. Listen to what God says to the Pastors.

“You have not taken care of the weak ones, healed the ones that are sick, bandaged the ones that are hurt, brought back the ones that wandered off, or looked for the ones that were lost. Instead, you treated them cruelly.”

Think about that for a moment. That passage is describing the role of the Pastor as to

1) Strengthen the weak
2) Heal the sick
3) BANDAGE THE HURT
4) Bring back the ones that wandered away
5) Look for the ones that were lost
6) Feed the sheep (see verses 2-3)

Jesus Himself came to HEAL THE BROKENHEARTED (Luke 4). NOT hurt them even more. Any Christian theology that doesn’t understand that is missing the Heart of God.

I’m NOT saying that Pastor Tim is doing that—I’m just saying that what he wrote about wounded people opens the door for the abuser to get all the mercy and forgiveness while the real victim gets the guilt and condemnation. This book is so focused on pointing the finger at wounded people that it misses the dynamics of emotional abuse that are causing the wounds in the first place.

Now if you can hang in there a little longer—there’s more stuff in this book that we need to address.

This book teaches a very controversial doctrine on the Trinity that seems to apply marriage roles to the Trinity. That doesn’t work—unless as Michael Bird wrote—your marriage consists of an older man, a younger man and a eunuch!

This doctrine is called Eternal Subordination of the Son(ESS). Let’s talk about this for a minute. We all know that when Jesus walked the Earth—He set the example for us of submitting to God’s will. But does that automatically mean that
throughout all eternity—both before and after coming to Earth—Jesus was in a subordinate role in the Trinity—meaning that Jesus doesn’t have the same authority as the Father does?

Jesus said in Matthew 28:18(NIV) that “ALL AUTHORITY in heaven and on earth has been given to me.” So how could the Father be withholding some authority from Him? THEN there’s John 5:22(NLT) which says, “The Father judges no one. Instead, he has given the Son ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY to judge.”

So why would ESS be such a big deal? Why would so many strong Complementarians be coming forward with serious concerns about the long-term effects of ESS?

None of that is discussed in this book. Instead this book acts as though ESS is a commonly accepted mainstream Christian doctrine when in fact it is being highly disputed by many leading Complementarians.

In this book, Pastor Tim’s wife Kathy explains that ESS had a powerful influence in shaping her worldview. She writes, “When I first heard Christians talk about male and female as “different but equal” it sounded a little too much like the “separate but equal” motto of segregation.” (p. 197)

But what finally convinced her to accept the idea of roles was ESS because “If our assigned roles are rooted in the nature of the relationships within the Trinity, tampering with the revelation of that mystery that God intends within marriage is surely not our prerogative.” (p. 215)

Kathy defines these roles as “women have a gift of interdependence—a receiving gift” (p. 203) while men have a “need for independence.” (p. 206) Where is that verse in the Bible? Didn’t God say that it wasn’t good for men to be alone? This suggests that women are to be passive when Jesus told us to be actively “asking, seeking, and knocking.”

On page 216 Kathy also defines women’s role as
“A wife accustomed to resenting every Archie Bunker like behavior of her husband may begin offering her submission with graciousness rather than resenting the lack of honor she receives from her husband.” (p. 216) Hang on a second. What about God’s law of sowing and reaping?

This is sweeping serious problems in the marriage under the rug—again trying to fix everything by sacrifice when sometimes the only way to make things change is by setting boundaries. Interfering with people’s ability to set boundaries is literally interfering with the Fruit of the Spirit in people’s lives which is self-control. Since the Bible says there’s NO LAW OF GOD AGAINST SELF-CONTROL (Gal 5:23), books that teach people that sacrifice solves everything forget that Jesus gave us the power to decide when to lay our lives down and when to take it up again. (John 10:18) Any Christian teaching that goes against that is going against Scripture.

Yet Kathy defends these controversial roles to the point where she writes on page 215 that if your born-again, spirit-filled, Bible-believing CHRISTIAN spouse doesn’t agree with your opinions on theology—you should TREAT THEM AS A NONBELIEVER!!! She literally teaches people to consider themselves as married to a nonbeliever if there’s a difference of opinion in the marriage on Christian theology!

GULP!!!!

Taking these roles even further, on page 306, Kathy says that these roles should determine how society functions as a whole—“including how that affects the relationship of men and women in the church and in the world.”

That sounds familiar. Where have we heard that before? The more Kathy describes these roles the more it sounds like she’s quoting from the book Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (RBMW), where John Piper actually wrote that women are supposed to feel submissive to EVERY man in EVERY situation even down to “the most casual relationship with a STRANGER ON THE STREET.” (p. 44)

That even the housewife in her backyard must be submissive when giving directions to a complete stranger so that “neither of them feels their mature femininity or masculinity compromised.” (p. 50)

That women must avoid any jobs that give them too much direct influence over men in a work environment because that would “OFFEND a man’s good, God-given sense of responsibility and leadership and thus controvert God’s created order.” (p. 51)

Wait a minute—he just said that men being “offended” proves that women are disobeying God! Really? Galatians 1:10 says “If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Plus, the Proverbs 31 woman didn’t let any of this interfere with her career opportunities!

So where does he get these crazy ideas? You guessed it—Piper founded the organization which is the driving force behind ESS. What’s really crazy is that if you read that book we just quoted Piper from—the Christian theologians who wrote that book can’t even agree among themselves as to the proper role for women. The chapters in RBMW literally disagree with each other!

Think about what’s happening here. Bible verses on marriage are being applied to the Trinity. Then they’re being applied to the workplace. Then society as a whole. No wonder Complementarians themselves are coming forward with serious concerns about ESS!

Plus, who gets to decide exactly what these roles are? There’s such a huge difference of opinion among Christian theologians on these roles that no matter how hard we try, we will never know if we’re following the role properly or not. That’s why the Bible warns us NOT to add anything to the text. The further down the rabbit hole we go in researching this—the more you see that there’s too many personal opinions being added to Scripture.

My point is that the further you research—the more you see that ESS has serious implications that need to be addressed by the church as a whole. The fact that both Complementarians and Egalitarians are coming out against ESS should make people pay attention. Besides, Jesus said to pray that God would send more laborers to the harvest, why let ESS shut the door on the gifts and talents of half the body of Christ?

Thank you for hanging in there through this long review. It was necessary to address all these issues in this book because we have to get back to the “simplicity of Christ.”

The bottom line is that ALL Christian theology has to bow its knee to the Lordship of Jesus Christ who came to “destroy the works of the devil,” “set the captives free,” and “heal the broken-hearted.” Any theology that misses that is missing the Heart of God.

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Reader

Not right book for me

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on May 30, 2020

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I tried to like this book - I really did. I even ordered it twice having put it away the first time. I find it very dry and didn't enjoy it. I also didn't feel particularly encouraged either. I've been exploring the Catholic faith and was delighted to find a shorter book: Cherishing Your Wedding by Kerry Urdzik much more to my liking and preference. This is simply my personal opinion; I can see that others have loved this book.

4 people found this helpful

Kenan Berker

Don't wait to be in a relationship before reading this

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on October 19, 2015

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Great theological and practical view on marriage and human relationships in general. Using Ephesians 5 as a base text, Tim and his wife Kathy basically give an extended opening up of the passage, which reveals amazing views of God's design and purpose for marriage and it's reflection of a triune God, as well as very real, practical advice about seeking, maintaining and delighting in a marriage relationship.

As I said in the review title, you will hopefully learn as much about God through this book as you will about relationship advice, so don't need to be contemplating marriage any time soon to read it. The Kellers also give great advice on what to seek in a potential spouse, showing how Christian values are very different from what our (particularly western) culture says we need to find a partner.

Chapter 7 is on singleness which I found really helpful and also challenging to my own views. They make the case that Christianity is one of the few world views which holds singleness in high regard and not a lesser life. It is in the church, the family of God, that singles are able to learn and grow from time with the opposite sex, in an obviously less intense way than marriage, but nonetheless just as effectively. Also a challenge to churches to love and support singles, not making them feel, in the worst case scenario, as second class Christians.

21 people found this helpful

Mr. T. E. Rochester

Solidly Biblical and Emotionally Satisfying

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on April 20, 2013

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I purchased this book as I am considering marrying my long-term girlfriend and wanted some advice as to what biblical marriage consists of.

Having previously read some of Keller's other books (EG The Reason for God, The Prodigal God), I found the writing style similar: solid research backed up by years of practical wisdom as a church pastor, but with perhaps an over-reliance on CS Lewis, his favourite author.

Some may disagree with his positions concerning biblical headship, but he only mentions this in terms of the household, not church leadership, though I suspect he would reject the Egalitarian position there. Kathy's chapter on this is very useful.
Similarly, his belief that sex should only be enjoyed within marriage (the focus of Chapter 8), and that marriage is for one man and one woman only may strike some as homophobic or constricting, but this book is unashamedly for Christians, or for those wanting to know what a Christian marriage consists of. All of his opinions are firmly backed up from scripture.

Overall, I found this book very helpful. It confirmed much of what I already expected, but also gave me new insights and analogies I had never considered before.

13 people found this helpful

Mr Daniel Normington, MA

and anytime in your marriage you need to give some attention to what it's all about so it works like it should

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on April 24, 2017

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Vintage Keller. Along with e.g. John Piper's 'This Momentary Marriage', the less theological, more practical 'Sex, Romance and the Glory of God' by CJ Mahaney, and 'Intimate Allies' by Allender and Longman, I give this to every young couple getting married in my church. Tremendously helpful during engagement, and anytime in your marriage you need to give some attention to what it's all about so it works like it should!

9 people found this helpful

Mr. N. J. Ayling

One of the best books on marriage

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on June 17, 2016

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There are many books on marriage out there. Out of the ones I've read this is definitely one of the best.

Tim Keller and his wife begin by taking a good look at the way the world and society around us and through history has viewed sex and marriage and how that effects views of marriage within the church, our own views too.

Having acknowledged the background we have, they then turn to the Bible to correct our distorted views of marriage.

There is a chapter for singles too, how they should view marriage. So it is not just a book for marrieds.

There is also a chapter on the controversy of headship and submission in marriage which they deal with very well.

In the end, whether you're a single, a husband or a wife, our model is the servant/leader who laid down His life for others.

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