Renowned psychologist and best-selling author of The Dance of Anger sheds new light on the two most important words in the English language - I'm sorry - and offers a unique perspective on the challenge of healing broken connections and restoring trust.

Dr. Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies - and why some people won't give them - for more than two decades. Now she offers compelling stories and solid theory that bring home how much the simple apology matters and what is required for healing when the hurt we've inflicted (or received) is far from simple. Listeners will learn how to craft a deeply meaningful "I'm sorry" and avoid apologies that only deepen the original injury.

Why Won't You Apologize? also addresses the compelling needs of the injured party - the one who has been hurt by someone who won't apologize, tell the truth, or feel remorse. Lerner explains what drives both the non-apologizer and the over-apologizer, as well as why the people who do the worst things are the least able to own up. She helps the injured person resist pressure to forgive too easily and challenges the popular notion that forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind. With her trademark humor and wit, Lerner offers a joyful and sanity-saving guide to setting things right.

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Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

Harriet Lerner PhD (Author), Cassandra Campbell (Narrator), Simon & Schuster Audio (Publisher)

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Product details

Listening Length	4 hours and 36 minutes
Author	Harriet Lerner PhD
Narrator	Cassandra Campbell
Whispersync for Voice	Ready
Audible.com Release Date	January 10, 2017
Publisher	Simon & Schuster Audio
Program Type	Audiobook
Version	Unabridged
Language	English
ASIN	B01MU5HZAW
Best Sellers Rank	#3,672 in Audible Books & Originals (See Top 100 in Audible Books & Originals) #17 in Relationship Conflict Resolution #30 in Marriage & Long-Term Partnerships #49 in Family Conflict Resolution

Customer reviews

5 star		80%
4 star		11%
3 star		4%
2 star		3%
1 star		2%

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Elf

Disappointed

Reviewed in the United States on January 22, 2018

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Mainly bought the book for the last few chapters, hoping to learn how to find peace when someone won't apologise for what they've done, but I was disappointed.
There is the entire chapter called "How to find peace", and yet, the only answer she gives is "Any way you can".
Oh, thank you so much, it really helps.
Seems like Harriet Lerner betrayed the trust I put into her book and should apologise :)

The book might be useful for someone who wants to learn how to make good apologies, though.

22 people found this helpful

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NY Kate

Should be required reading for all people.

Reviewed in the United States on April 1, 2017

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Really helpful text in understanding what a real, honest apology entails. This is one of the most difficult issues we humans deal with -- whether our own apologies, or those offered to us. Understanding what constitutes a real apology and learning how to offer an effective apology can truly alter our interpersonal affairs. What to say, and especially, what NOT to say when you want to say you're sorry. Wish everyone had this as required reading.

29 people found this helpful

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CMRoberts

It takes a minute for everything to sink in.

Reviewed in the United States on May 26, 2019

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For those looking for a quick thumbnail of the book, find the author’s Ted Talk (Kansas City). It’s 13 minutes and summarizes the book. She even uses the banana example.

Second, it takes a little while for things to sink in. There was some criticism that the advice for ‘getting over’ the hurt is too generic (‘anyway you can’). More specific advice would have to come from your therapist. A book cannot fix all the problems, but it can cause you to *think* in a different manner and then say, ‘Self, what about XZY?’

When I finished the book (finished it in a weekend), I didn’t get a lot out of it. But my therapist said, ‘Your mind will continue to work in (the problem).’ And it did finally— coming to the answer the author states very clearly in some of the last chapters: I will never receive an apology because for the people to apologize means they would have to tear asunder their belief they did the correct thing. And the belief they did the correct thing is what keeps them ‘sane’ (for lack of a better word).

I recommend this book, but don’t expect sound bites and pop psychology. You also have to work on this. Even if working on it is just letting your mind ruminate for awhile.

Finally, thank you to the author, for stating what a correct apology is. I now try to incorporate that into my life. I’m not perfect, but I try because I know how a ‘real’ apology is needed.

12 people found this helpful

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MKN

We tolerate abuse and mistreatment in the name of love with the belief that having someone and something is ...

Reviewed in the United States on July 1, 2017

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I'm sure we all can agree that relationships are a core focus for humans. Connection and long lasting relationships are something of grand significance and are a essential and conspicuous priority.
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Subsequently we go over and beyond to ensure they last, sometimes in a negative aspect and other times in a positive one. We tolerate abuse and mistreatment in the name of love with the belief that having someone and something is better than nothing. On the other hand we broadcast unconditional love, and compassion. Further, sometimes it's a friend, family member, or spouse that surprises us with a wrongdoing, incurring damage to us and the relationship.
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"We are hardwired to seek justice and fairness (however we see it), so the need to receive a sincere apology that’s due is deeply felt. We are also imperfect human beings and prone to error and defensiveness, so the challenge of offering a heartfelt apology permeates almost every relationship."
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We try so hard to receive an apology, to make the other aware of our pain and hurt, while at the same time, ironically it is fairly difficult for us to give a genuine apology.
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Sometimes we don't apologize correctly and wonder why our relationships aren't moving forward.
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"It doesn’t matter if the statement you make after the “but” is true—it makes the apology false. It says, in effect, “Given the whole situation, my rudeness (or lateness, or sarcastic tone, or what-have-you) is pretty understandable.”
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When apologizing we need to take into consideration the other persons feelings and hurt, not ours. To truly understand and repair our relationships we need to come from a place of unselfishness.
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"A Good Apology Is Not About You Part of a true apology is staying deeply curious about the hurt person’s experience rather than hijacking it with your own emotionality. A heartfelt apology is not about you. If your intention is to offer a genuine apology, it’s the hurt party’s anger and pain that matters. Save yours for a different conversation."
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“We apologize when we accept responsibility for an offence or grievance and express remorse in a direct, personal and unambiguous manner, offering restitution and promising not to do it again.” A good apology includes the words “I’m sorry” without “ifs,” “buts,” or any manner of undoings, obfuscations, and the like.
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This book provides us with insight on how to properly receive, give and understand apologies.

20 people found this helpful

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MaryAnne Cohen

Excellent book with one glaring error

Reviewed in the United States on February 1, 2017

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An excellent book - well written and well expressed. However, there is a glaring omission in that the pain of sexual abuse is not dealt with. As a psychotherapist myself, a large percentage of patients I work with have struggled for years - even decades - with unresolved issues around blame, self-blame, and questions of forgiveness. Dr. Lerner carefully expresses that you don't need to forgive in order to move on with your life, but I would have liked an additional chapter called "When Forgiveness is Impossible: Making Peace with Yourself."

93 people found this helpful

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Bibliophile4Life

Wow! Where's this book been all my life?!

Reviewed in the United States on January 26, 2017

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I read this book in an afternoon. Once I've had a chance to absorb its truths a bit more, I plan to read it again. This book is for everyone and anyone who has ever needed to offer or to accept an apology. Not only does Lerner offer anecdotes the reader can easier identify with, she offers practical tools that make it possible for one to move forward. Chapter 10: "'You Need to Forgive' and Other Lies That Hurt You" on its own was well worth the price of the book. Thank you, Dr. Lerner!

51 people found this helpful

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Beth

If you’re hurt by someone read this

Reviewed in the United States on October 27, 2017

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I was so sad to come to the end of this book. Having been going through a very painful unwanted breakup with friends this book was a balm to my pain. How wonderful to finally hear someone say no you don’t have to forgive in order to move on. There are ways to cope and ways to heal. It is possible to move on. I loved this book.

12 people found this helpful

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S. Wong

Do you know someone who doesn't apologize? I do...this is why.

Reviewed in the United States on March 24, 2017

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Great insight into the intricacies of the apology and viewed from both sides.

16 people found this helpful

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J. Oxford

Absolutely amazing book

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 9, 2017

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Absolutely fantastic book - life changing. From simple everyday misdemeanours to those that cut really deep, this book helps you understand why the words "I'm sorry" are so important, especially when said properly. Helps you understand why someone can't apologise and how to move past the ones you are owed.

7 people found this helpful

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Amazon Customer

Brilliant, helpful and fascinating, but one story troubled me...

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 8, 2017

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I haven't yet reached the end of this book yet but am rating it 5 stars as I'm finding it a brilliant read- very well-written, positive and extremely helpful in enabling people to understand each other better (whether you are frustrated with someone who won't apologise or need advice making amends with someone you've offended).

I also really liked the chapter dealing with "forgiveness" which breaks down the widespread myth that it's essential to forgive someone who hurt you in order to be positive, healthy and happy. While I do think forgiveness is very important when the other party deserves it and if it's a relationship that is important to you, I agree with the author that it is also possible to heal, let go and move on without having to forgive the other party if the transgression was unforgiveable. As a survivor of an abusive relationship that culminated in my ex boyfriend trying to kill me after I broke up with him, I cannot ever forgive him for what he did to me, but I was also able to eventually heal and move on with a positive outlook on life, so I am living proof that Harriet is right! (For me, the old saying that living well is the best revenge is 100% true... life often isn't fair and sometimes people will do terrible things to you and not be adequately punished, but by focusing on yourself and positive growth you can still find happiness. Personally, my brush with death made me appreciate life even more, and I now have a more positive attitude than many other people who have led much easier lives than I have!)

However, I wanted to raise a question regarding the case study story of Letty and Kim as I found an aspect of that story disturbing. This is NOT a criticism of the author, it's a question about the laws in the US regarding molestation/paedophilia. I'm not American so I wondered if American readers could answer this question. After Letty discovered that her daughter Kim had been molested at 12 years old by her father, her response was to "get the whole family into therapy". There was no mention in the story of Kim's father being prosecuted for his crime and that really shocked me, especially knowing that the family therapist must have heard the full story. Kim's father had committed a crime, so wasn't that family therapist obliged to notify the police, regardless of Letty not pressing charges? What are the laws in the US regarding this? I found it sickening that while Kim's father received therapy, he faced no legal penalty for abusing his daughter.

3 people found this helpful

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Yogi

Pleased I did try

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 3, 2018

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Got me thinking... got me writing... I sent my apology, received a reply at least. Pleased I did try.

2 people found this helpful

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Amazon Customer

Excellent Book

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 2, 2020

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Excellent Book, well packaged, exactly as described and arrived in excellent time

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Maria Jastrzebska

Five Stars

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 2, 2017

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Love her writing - always makes you think!

2 people found this helpful

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Amazon Customer

Good useful information

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 17, 2018

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For anyone who has ever asked the question why wont or why cant they apologize - parents, partners, friends...

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M. Mcdermott

Recommended

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 31, 2018

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Very interesting and informative book.

I got a lot from it.

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Bookworm

Helpful

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 18, 2017

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Useful book, typical of Leener's wisdom

One person found this helpful

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Dillan Sadler

Value for money

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 29, 2017

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Love this book.

One person found this helpful

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ngroomer

Brilliant

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 16, 2019

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Soothing stories and useful tools to help me feel stronger or settled in my relationships that are a challenge to keep up, thank you.

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helpful

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 19, 2019

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Insightful and helpful.

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Marina Smidesang

A must read as far as I am concerned.

Reviewed in Canada on December 14, 2017

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Harriet Lerner is a master! - and her books certainly reflect that. My first book of hers in mid 90th, grasped me in the middle of grief and I believe to this day it pulled me through. She has a way of seeing our every day thoughts and struggles in such a way you connect, recognize and relate. This, her latest book, also comes at the most appropriate time in my life, so I might be biased a bit. I do not think that would influence my admiration for her work as a right on the dot of human existence kind of writer! She is what I call a Wisewoman! And she gives something for every word she writes, and I am thankful to receive what she gives. I would like every one I know to read her book. So of course I recommend her latest gift to humanity.

One person found this helpful

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NB Prime

Introspective

Reviewed in India on September 16, 2018

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I loved the book. It gave valuable insights on the values of apology, how to give an apology, how to receive an apology and how to be OK if one does not get apology, in any sphere of life. The examples given throughout the book were relatable and the author made it a point to cover as many relationships as possible and give a glimpse of dynamics that underplay in the apology scenario.

The book will help someone become a better person. I will recommend the same.

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Jennifer

Healing and empowering!!! ✨

Reviewed in Canada on March 4, 2020

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This is a really excellent book. I’ve read some of her other stuff and I think this is the best. It’s helped me apologize and listen better when my sis was angry with me... and also gave me strength when I was still offended after a totally reasonable apology (you’re allowed to bring the topic up again! Sometimes a few conversations are required 💕) I have come from a place where no one ever apologized and if you brought up hurt feelings, you would get attacked for all kinds of things, rather than having the original topic dealt with. So I understandably learned some bad habits, and also developed a lot of fear about making myself heard. This book was very healing and helpful for my future and relationships. Definitely give it a try!

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So worth reading

Reviewed in India on May 18, 2020

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Really simply written and yet very engaging. so much information and insight on how to better engage with another and have difficult but crucial conversations

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