Renowned psychologist and best-selling author of The Dance of Anger sheds new light on the two most important words in the English language - I'm sorry - and offers a unique perspective on the challenge of healing broken connections and restoring trust.

Dr. Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies - and why some people won't give them - for more than two decades. Now she offers compelling stories and solid theory that bring home how much the simple apology matters and what is required for healing when the hurt we've inflicted (or received) is far from simple. Listeners will learn how to craft a deeply meaningful "I'm sorry" and avoid apologies that only deepen the original injury.

Why Won't You Apologize? also addresses the compelling needs of the injured party - the one who has been hurt by someone who won't apologize, tell the truth, or feel remorse. Lerner explains what drives both the non-apologizer and the over-apologizer, as well as why the people who do the worst things are the least able to own up. She helps the injured person resist pressure to forgive too easily and challenges the popular notion that forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind. With her trademark humor and wit, Lerner offers a joyful and sanity-saving guide to setting things right.

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Listening Length	4 hours and 36 minutes
Author	Harriet Lerner PhD
Narrator	Cassandra Campbell
Whispersync for Voice	Ready
Audible.com Release Date	January 10, 2017
Publisher	Simon & Schuster Audio
Program Type	Audiobook
Version	Unabridged
Language	English
ASIN	B01MU5HZAW
Best Sellers Rank	#6,926 in Audible Books & Originals (See Top 100 in Audible Books & Originals) #37 in Relationship Conflict Resolution #63 in Marriage & Long-Term Partnerships #81 in Communication & Social Skills (Audible Books & Originals)

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2 star		1%
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Top reviews from the United States

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CMRoberts

It takes a minute for everything to sink in.

Reviewed in the United States on May 26, 2019

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For those looking for a quick thumbnail of the book, find the author’s Ted Talk (Kansas City). It’s 13 minutes and summarizes the book. She even uses the banana example.

Second, it takes a little while for things to sink in. There was some criticism that the advice for ‘getting over’ the hurt is too generic (‘anyway you can’). More specific advice would have to come from your therapist. A book cannot fix all the problems, but it can cause you to *think* in a different manner and then say, ‘Self, what about XZY?’

When I finished the book (finished it in a weekend), I didn’t get a lot out of it. But my therapist said, ‘Your mind will continue to work in (the problem).’ And it did finally— coming to the answer the author states very clearly in some of the last chapters: I will never receive an apology because for the people to apologize means they would have to tear asunder their belief they did the correct thing. And the belief they did the correct thing is what keeps them ‘sane’ (for lack of a better word).

I recommend this book, but don’t expect sound bites and pop psychology. You also have to work on this. Even if working on it is just letting your mind ruminate for awhile.

Finally, thank you to the author, for stating what a correct apology is. I now try to incorporate that into my life. I’m not perfect, but I try because I know how a ‘real’ apology is needed.

32 people found this helpful

Helpful

Elf

Disappointed

Reviewed in the United States on January 22, 2018

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Mainly bought the book for the last few chapters, hoping to learn how to find peace when someone won't apologise for what they've done, but I was disappointed.
There is the entire chapter called "How to find peace", and yet, the only answer she gives is "Any way you can".
Oh, thank you so much, it really helps.
Seems like Harriet Lerner betrayed the trust I put into her book and should apologise :)

The book might be useful for someone who wants to learn how to make good apologies, though.

29 people found this helpful

Helpful

Shawkins

Dangerously ignorant, Author doesn't indicate a full understanding of toxic behavior or gaslighting

Reviewed in the United States on October 15, 2020

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When you have experienced long-term abuse and gaslighting, it can be psychologically damaging and invalidating to read a self-help book that is written by someone who doesn't understand the nuances of emotional abuse. I genuinely felt concerned for the number of people who are going to read this book without a foundational understanding of toxic relationships, gaslighting, and healthy boundaries. The author makes remarks indicating that she doesn't understand why some people react certain ways, and that she gets that some people can't let go of certain things so she kind of humors it. This is really misguided and irresponsible for someone who is trying to provide advice. Perhaps if she doesn't have a deep knowledge of the subject matter, she should not extend her advice to those audiences. Ignoring the nuances of abuse and the resulting CPTSD can in effect, re-invalidate the feelings of the person who was abused and cause them deeper issues. I do not recommend this book. I've spent twenty plus years reading various self-help books after experiencing emotional, physical, and sexual abuse in childhood. Many books have been helpful even if not quite addressing my specific issues (author Brene Brown), and some have been truly life changing like "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker.
This book, however, contained some advice that really should not be used in some circumstances, would lead to further abuse and self-invalidation, and honestly assists the abusers more than it does the abused. Please keep hunting for another book, unless perhaps the apology you need is a surface level one from an aquaintance.

8 people found this helpful

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MKN

We tolerate abuse and mistreatment in the name of love with the belief that having someone and something is ...

Reviewed in the United States on July 1, 2017

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I'm sure we all can agree that relationships are a core focus for humans. Connection and long lasting relationships are something of grand significance and are a essential and conspicuous priority.
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Subsequently we go over and beyond to ensure they last, sometimes in a negative aspect and other times in a positive one. We tolerate abuse and mistreatment in the name of love with the belief that having someone and something is better than nothing. On the other hand we broadcast unconditional love, and compassion. Further, sometimes it's a friend, family member, or spouse that surprises us with a wrongdoing, incurring damage to us and the relationship.
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"We are hardwired to seek justice and fairness (however we see it), so the need to receive a sincere apology that’s due is deeply felt. We are also imperfect human beings and prone to error and defensiveness, so the challenge of offering a heartfelt apology permeates almost every relationship."
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We try so hard to receive an apology, to make the other aware of our pain and hurt, while at the same time, ironically it is fairly difficult for us to give a genuine apology.
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Sometimes we don't apologize correctly and wonder why our relationships aren't moving forward.
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"It doesn’t matter if the statement you make after the “but” is true—it makes the apology false. It says, in effect, “Given the whole situation, my rudeness (or lateness, or sarcastic tone, or what-have-you) is pretty understandable.”
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When apologizing we need to take into consideration the other persons feelings and hurt, not ours. To truly understand and repair our relationships we need to come from a place of unselfishness.
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"A Good Apology Is Not About You Part of a true apology is staying deeply curious about the hurt person’s experience rather than hijacking it with your own emotionality. A heartfelt apology is not about you. If your intention is to offer a genuine apology, it’s the hurt party’s anger and pain that matters. Save yours for a different conversation."
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“We apologize when we accept responsibility for an offence or grievance and express remorse in a direct, personal and unambiguous manner, offering restitution and promising not to do it again.” A good apology includes the words “I’m sorry” without “ifs,” “buts,” or any manner of undoings, obfuscations, and the like.
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This book provides us with insight on how to properly receive, give and understand apologies.

22 people found this helpful

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Top reviews from other countries

Emi Bevacqua

Thought Provoking

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 22, 2020

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Dr Lerner covers but also goes beyond the standard what-makes-a-good-apology-or-a-bad-apology, explaining the proper response to a good apology is "Thank you for the apology. I appreciate it" and that you do not necessarily have to accept every apology 100%, for example, "If you see the problem as my reaction, and not what you said, I'm afraid I can't accept your apology".

What I most appreciate are her focus on the fact that sometimes there is no apology or even reasons or explanations forthcoming, regardless of how much you deserve or want them; and her generous explanations for dealing with that. This chunk in particular, about a woman who transitioned from "I'm the wronged one and I'm the one who's suffering" to speaking her truth and finding peace, really spoke to me:

...she realized that at some level he could not be as happy as he appeared or even believed himself to be, because people who deceive and diminish others are not deeply happy and fully at peace with themselves. Letting go of anger requires us to give up the hope of a different past along with that of a fantasized future. What we gain is a life more in the present, where we are not mired in prolonged resentment that doesn't serve us.

2 people found this helpful

J. Oxford

Absolutely amazing book

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 9, 2017

Verified Purchase

Absolutely fantastic book - life changing. From simple everyday misdemeanours to those that cut really deep, this book helps you understand why the words "I'm sorry" are so important, especially when said properly. Helps you understand why someone can't apologise and how to move past the ones you are owed.

9 people found this helpful

Amazon Customer

Brilliant, helpful and fascinating, but one story troubled me...

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 8, 2017

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I haven't yet reached the end of this book yet but am rating it 5 stars as I'm finding it a brilliant read- very well-written, positive and extremely helpful in enabling people to understand each other better (whether you are frustrated with someone who won't apologise or need advice making amends with someone you've offended).

I also really liked the chapter dealing with "forgiveness" which breaks down the widespread myth that it's essential to forgive someone who hurt you in order to be positive, healthy and happy. While I do think forgiveness is very important when the other party deserves it and if it's a relationship that is important to you, I agree with the author that it is also possible to heal, let go and move on without having to forgive the other party if the transgression was unforgiveable. As a survivor of an abusive relationship that culminated in my ex boyfriend trying to kill me after I broke up with him, I cannot ever forgive him for what he did to me, but I was also able to eventually heal and move on with a positive outlook on life, so I am living proof that Harriet is right! (For me, the old saying that living well is the best revenge is 100% true... life often isn't fair and sometimes people will do terrible things to you and not be adequately punished, but by focusing on yourself and positive growth you can still find happiness. Personally, my brush with death made me appreciate life even more, and I now have a more positive attitude than many other people who have led much easier lives than I have!)

However, I wanted to raise a question regarding the case study story of Letty and Kim as I found an aspect of that story disturbing. This is NOT a criticism of the author, it's a question about the laws in the US regarding molestation/paedophilia. I'm not American so I wondered if American readers could answer this question. After Letty discovered that her daughter Kim had been molested at 12 years old by her father, her response was to "get the whole family into therapy". There was no mention in the story of Kim's father being prosecuted for his crime and that really shocked me, especially knowing that the family therapist must have heard the full story. Kim's father had committed a crime, so wasn't that family therapist obliged to notify the police, regardless of Letty not pressing charges? What are the laws in the US regarding this? I found it sickening that while Kim's father received therapy, he faced no legal penalty for abusing his daughter.

6 people found this helpful

Miss J Cooper

An essential read for the human condition

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 28, 2020

Verified Purchase

Brilliantly insightful !!! Brene Brown is right, it's a game changer & a transparent view on fairness & understanding on this subject, factual grounded & challenging to I guess most of us yet encouraging to be true to yourself & your boundaries also.

One person found this helpful

Amazon Customer

Excellent Book

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 2, 2020

Verified Purchase

Excellent Book, well packaged, exactly as described and arrived in excellent time

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Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts Audible Audiobook – Unabridged

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