Oh dear, where do I begin? "Woman On Top" aspires to be a romantic comedy that mixes fairytale cliches, Brazilian cooking, Brazilian sensuality, Brazilian music, and Brazilian superstition to make us all fall in love. It fails on all accounts. First off, the acting is horrible throughout. The script doesn't give Penelope Cruz, who is beautiful and talented, the necessary ingredients to play the kind of spicy hot sex goddess that makes all blue-collar American men crowd the television sets in a dive bar or follow her around town. Cruz should have been allowed to channel her inner Sophia Loren or Gina Lollobrigida...not to channel her meek, innocent Audrey Hepburn. Her suitors in the love triangle are two bland Prince Charming types. While both are pretty to look at, they are also pretty dull. One sings although you will likely not remember any of his songs. The other supposedly hiccups in stressful situations, but there is only one scene where he actually does that. Cruz's drag queen best friend gets the best...and worst lines. Now, let's get back to that awful script. It is full of witless banter, corny sentiment, and cringe-worthy lines like "Hold your peppers." Although the special effects, used primarily to punctuate the fairy tale aspect of the film, are cheesy and weird, the effects are also the most watchable part of the film. Overall, this lightheaded dud of a movie will not win males over to the chick flick genre. In fact, I can't imagine females relating to these characters either. So if you still feel as though you need to watch this film, bring a stomach pump. Your significant other will thank you later.