Customer Review

Reviewed in the United States on July 25, 2019
... BUT MAMA AIN'T HERE!!!

STRANGERS! Gather round. I need to tell you something about you butt.

Here's the thing: you're disgusting. Your body is a filthy, grotesque, and horrid temple full of your nastiest and worst decisions. No matter how much you try to hide, scrub, perfume, and spanx the flaws away, they're still there. But fret not because there is hope for even the most ratchet of bods.

ENTER THE LUXE BIDET. This here fountain of youth is one small thing you can use to become ever so slightly less of an abomination than you are now.

Here's what you do:
1. Buy this product. Don't bother buying prime if you don't already have it, it still arrived within 2 days.
2. Unpack everything and read the instructions.
3. Install seat carefully so as to not get the building management fuzz on your back come deposit retrieval time.
4. Attempt to install hose and find that it is a poor fit
5. Call the Luxe customer service line and proceed to speak to one of the nicest human beings I have ever had the joy of speaking with. This delightful siren will patiently listen to your woes and clear them all away by sending you 2 free replacement pieces and the seat bumpers to boost. All free. I may have feelings for her.
6. Wait another 2 days or so and then check the mail to find everything she promised waiting for you. STILL FREE.
7. Unpack this latest treat from Santa and connect it... and BOOM! You now have a working bidet.
8. Facetime your favorite frenemy of choice, preferably a Canadian one, and gloat over your newly polished button. Bonus points if you're on your period and decided to use pads that day.

I can't tell you what this has done for my quality of life. I have only used it once and already I feel superior, taller, thinner, and better at math.

Pay gap? --Not 'round these lofty parts.
Massive and crippling wealth disparities? --lol who said?
Species going extinct? --I CAN'T HEAR THE SCREAMING OVER MAH CLEAN BUM.

The smug sense of superiority I now have over using fewer TP sheets can only be rivaled by the adorable squeaking sounds I make with every step.

This is me. This is who I am. If you can't accept me at my worst, then you can't handle me at my best.

#Polished #Bespoke #Aesthetic
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