Top critical review
2.0 out of 5 starsBETRAYAL AND TRUST
Reviewed in the United States on November 4, 2021
I am a devotee of Dr. Gottman's work. My husband and I attended a weekend workshop in Seattle (15 yrs ago approx), I have read his books and listened to this one on CD in my car. I've listened over one hundred times to a tape about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling). I was delighted to find out that after years of research, Dr. Gottman arrived at the conclusion that underlying the Four Horseman was the issue of betrayal. Yes, finally, yes, I said to myself, that's it! That's why we respond and act the way we do in my marriage (which is on its way out by the way). It's all about trust.
Where this book goes wrong is this focus is forgotten. A chapter on sexual interest lists reasons your sex life might be going wrong including partners no longer feeling attractive as they age, and mismatched sex drives and FORGETS to mention BETRAYAL.
I have to say for myself and for my marriage that's the key. I started withdrawing years ago around repeated betrayals (his emotional affair, lies, etc.) but kept being sexually active with my husband, while trying to work as hard as I could on the way I expressed my hurt and anger. Nevertheless, as the betrayals (large and small) mounted, my sexual interest waned. There is nothing interesting sexually, for me at least, about someone who lies over and over again. The trust is not there to create that intimacy, or to keep it.
When the focus on betrayal is lost in this book, we lose the answer Dr. Gottman so adroitly presents with tremendous clarity in the beginning. Not understanding how trust and repeated betrayals impact every fiber of a complex marital relationship, and all the ways the marriage begins to break down, the book stops short and veers off on ultimately confusing tangents.
All you have to do is watch Divorce Court to see that betrayal is the number one issue for married (and unmarried couples). That's not scientific, but it seems to be true.
Thank God for Dr. Gottman and for all the work he has done in his field. But the book forgets his central focus, which is what the research has shown over the years. And I notice in my old tape as well. If he loses track, forgets to keep the focus on what the research shows, and instead gives opinions, we are lost as the audience -- and we are off track in terms of finding solutions for our marriages.
There is no excuse, by the way, for cheating, whether the partner is emotionally expressive or not, and there are pages where Dr. Gottman seems to make excuses for a cheating partner before he rounds the corner, zeroing in on betrayal as destructive for marriages. (I refer you to the story of the man who fell for a redhead at a coffee bar.)
Also, I just have to add, the narrator of the book on CD has the wrong tone for this book. I could barely finish the book on CD when I listened to it, and I adore listening to books as I drive. I have not had this experience listening to any other book.
