Top critical review
Going in the garbage. If you want it, save $100 and fish it out of my trashcan.
Reviewed in the United States on November 22, 2019
This is the worst series of books that will ever come so highly recommended. I LOVE fantasy books. I have well over 800 books that I've read and I never give them away, even if they really weren't my thing... I always keep (hoard) them in case I ever want to read them again or so I can lend them to people.
I would NEVER lend this series to anyone, even with a disclaimer that it's terrible, for fear that person would forever associate me with them. I'll be throwing them away. I paid over $100 for the series and I won't even try to recoup any of that money. I'll be throwing them in the garbage, although I really should burn them to be sure that no unsuspecting dumpster diver accidentally finds them. If they're diving in dumpsters, their life is hard enough. They don't deserve to have to read these books. It would just be mean.
Have I mentioned how much I hate them, how I lost all respect for Stephen King, how easily I saw through the hype-machine BS that is the cult phenomenon of his readership? No? Well, I should. But it's just making me angry. All I can say regarding Stephen King: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he could write a novel. So instead of being only negative, let me tell you who these books ARE for, so you can decide if you should buy them:
If you're a fan of books that read like a stream-of-consciousness fever dream where the author's go-to move is to just have a character announce that they know something for a fact but don't know why, but then just sort of admit to themselves out loud (to the reader) that they must've known it all along but didn't know they knew it and could have had no way to know it, but they just do anyway... then all the other characters just take it as a fact... all so that the author doesn't have to actually build in a backstory, a plot, a cohesive timeline, make his story make sense, or make his characters realistic... then this is the series for you!
If you've ever tried to play make-believe with a 5-year-old and laughed at how every two seconds they change the rules, just make random announcements about how things are now, and then just make up words to fit their ridiculous made up ideas... and then talk to you like you're an idiot for not understanding or remembering all their made-up nonsense... you probably smiled and laughed and thought 'kids!'. If you would like to spend dozens of hours of your life and over $100 to have that experience, then these books are for you! That is what Stephen King will do to you in these books. He's either a complete moron and a truly terrible writer, or he wrote these books to win a bet and he and his friends are LAUGHING at how stupid you are when you pick these books up and give them 5 stars cuz you want to be in the cool kids club.
If you're a fan of a book that introduces characters, sets up a story line that you're surprisingly interested in for the first time in 4 novels, then about 5 chapters in changes to an entirely different story in a different place with different characters and a completely different concept... then about 10 pages from the end of the book comes back with an almost flippant dismissal and summary wrap-up of the story you were interested in... then this series is for you!
If you like to read books where all the characters are terrible and easily hate-able, this series is for you.
If you like to read books where you can't help but feel that he typed it with 9 fingers because you know he had to keep one middle finger free to flip you the bird while he was typing... this is the series for you. The only thing I can imagine is that Stephen King sat down with his friends and made them a bet that he could get away with the most amateurish, egregious novel-writing errors, break all the rules, and still his name would be big enough that people would read them and recommend them just to be in the cool kids club... and he won, and he's at home LAUGHING at us right now for being that dumb... or he's that dumb himself.
If you are the kind of person who prefers Kool-Aid to fruit juice, Oreos to homemade chocolate chip cookies, Kraft Mac-n-cheez to pasta primavera, and beef jerky to filet mignon, then this series of books is for you. It's mass-market poorly-crafted nutrition-free garbage for the small-minded.
And yes I'm angry. I don't enjoy having to waste so many hours of my time to realize that someone is flipping me off. I surely don't want to pay $110 to be flipped off. If it has to happen, I would like it to be quick and free, so I can get on with my life. So Stephen King just got flipped off back. If he would've even attempted to make a sincere effort at writing something worth reading, I would've let it slide as 'just not for me.' Instead, he stole time and money from me so he gets a bad review. He's getting off lightly. If I was a more vindictive person... it'd be much worse.