Top critical review
Not for sexually betrayed spouses!
Reviewed in the United States on March 21, 2019
Read all the single star reviews before purchasing this book!!!
If you're dealing with any kind of sexual betrayal, skip this book! There are multiple potentially triggering instances throughout. I agree with the other 1 star reviewers saying the auther is blaming the spouse, excusing bad behavior from the betrayer etc. Those reviewers offer specific examples of some instances in the book that are some of the instances that bothered me as well.
I wasn't far in when I was already unhappy that I was reading/ listening to this book. I continued reading upon my husband's request, after he had read it and asked me to. I had to take multiple breaks after being seriously triggered, and was waiting for the real advice and suggestions for helpful steps to rebuild trust, other than to say "don't lie anymore" which she states as if it were a revelation.
Then, I came across this example she offers regarding how to respond to your spouse so that they will trust you enough to share...
"If this woman wants to have a vibrant, open, and exciting sex life with her husband, then if Bozo says to his wife that he wonders if she’s open to trying a threesome, she’d better not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Otherwise he won’t share any of his adventurous ideas in the future. What she needs to say is something like, “I’m so glad you shared that with me. [Remember: welcoming a suggestion is very different from agreeing to it.] I love it that you feel comfortable enough to take a risk and share some adventurous ideas with me. As for this particular idea, I have to say that it’s just not for me. But I hope you’ll keep bringing fresh ideas to me. The more, the better.”
I wish someone had been here to witness my eye roll of a lifetime, and to hear the swearing that came out of my mouth. Both of these things are uncharacteristic for me, but they were my sincere reaction.
This is a clear case of the author not knowing, caring about, or grasping what the majority of her audience has experienced and are trying to heal from. She acknowledges multiple times that many spouses have come to this book in the hopes that they can trust again after infidelity. This and other examples she uses were poorly chosen, potentially triggering, and her solutions for dealing with them were excusing of bad... no, terrible behavior! She continually attempts to put ownership on the innocent spouse and minimizes the severity and seriously damaging affects of the betrayals.
One last gripe I have-She doesn't really cover dealing with multiple betrayals. I kept expecting her to, but she continued to give example after example of spouse's who make one bad choice and that's it. I think that's often not the case and rebuilding trust becomes more complicated the more it's been broken.
Overall, I wish I hadn't bothered with this book. After talking to my husband he admits to skimming it, which is how he reads, as I am much more thorough. There were a few things he took away from it like the "don't lie anymore" concept, and that the betrayed spouse needs to feel understood. I'll be continuing my search for better books on this subject.