Amazon.com: Customer reviews: Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters

Top positive review

Good for husbands of unloved daughters too

Reviewed in the United States on May 2, 2018

My wife’s mother tortures her with her self-centeredness and dependency; however, it is difficult for us to disentangle ourselves from her web of lies, partly because we encounter resistance from family members (wife’s 3 older sisters) who refuse to acknowledge that a mother can have flaws. They prefer to praise the unloving mother, because they desperately yearn for the love that she is incapable of giving, so much so that they are blind to her failure.
Dr. Forward’s book cuts through the nonsense that is the notion of the perfect mother and shines a light on the painful cycle of guilt and acquiescence experienced by unloved daughters, a cycle with which I have become sadly familiar.
Ladies, Dr. Forward is on your side. We men need more strong voices like Dr. Forward out there advocating for daughters.

190 people found this helpful

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Animal Rescue

Not for readers who have absent mothers

Reviewed in the United States on November 17, 2018

This book is primarily about mothers who are too involved, those who are manipulating, and those who are overly critical. If you had an absent mother, this book is not for you.

283 people found this helpful

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From the United States

Animal Rescue

Not for readers who have absent mothers

Reviewed in the United States on November 17, 2018

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This book is primarily about mothers who are too involved, those who are manipulating, and those who are overly critical. If you had an absent mother, this book is not for you.

283 people found this helpful

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JTLshawty

Good for husbands of unloved daughters too

Reviewed in the United States on May 2, 2018

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190 people found this helpful

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Catherine

The Validation I needed

Reviewed in the United States on October 14, 2013

I always seem to be a good candidate for Susan's books. I've read Emotional Blackmail, Toxic In-Laws, and I've already had the chance to skim over Toxic Parents. I was so impatient for this book: Mothers Who Can't Love to come out. How thoroughly relieving that someone dares to challenge the world's greatest taboo: Unloving Mothers. I was born to a woman who should have never been allowed to be a mother. Since cutting off my ties with my mother, I have been urged to reconcile and have been criticized with every line possible. I've heard the "she gave you life" and "honour thy mother". I've been told to try to understand her because of lack of education. I've been told to suck it up because everyone knew how she was. Susan lists all these cliches. The queen mother of all criticism and threats is: "I hope when you have kids, they will not do this to you." Susan understands how hard it is to come to terms with not having a loving mother and how it's even harder to defend your decision from the innumerable people who do not accept it.

The first part of her book addresses the many faces of an unloving mother. Mine was the narcissistic mother. Sometimes she could be downright psychotic and abusive. For me however when you have been hit enough, it's only a sheer irritation that my mother thought she could scare me with a belt. Susan gave me such clarity and validation with this section. I was always so confused as to why my mother could occasionally be loving and why everything went down the drain when I found my soulmate. These kinds of mothers don't mind you as long as you do what she wants you to do, as long as she has control over you, and most of all-- as long as you don't become a woman. I no longer feel threatened when my relatives try to remind me of the good times I had with my mother. In a lot of ways, I was no more than a piece of property to her. I was deprived and pruned so that I could one day be given away like property then people would see how amazing and strict she was. Thus, she would gain other people's fear and respect. That was her ambition all along and it didn't sit well with her that I refused to be treated like a trophy. My world came crashing down when I realized her need for fear and respect from a bunch of faceless people meant more to her than my life and happiness. She had no qualms about trying to break me, thinking I would eventually capitulate. Like many unloving mothers, she wreaked havoc on my conscience. I felt horrible for not obeying her commands. I felt so guilty whenever she reminded me of all she did for me. Like many daughters of unloving mothers, you break in another way be it physical illness or in my case: depression.

This book also made me aware of how every experience with an unloving mother will mold the way you go through life. I've been on the receiving end of my mother saying: "I wish you were never born" and "You should have died a long time ago"-- all in the same breath. However, her destruction did not start when I fell from grace. The tendency to feel responsible for other people's happiness, feeling guilty if you don't comply with other people's wishes, and chasing approval all steams from how your mother raised you. It was such a shock for me to read that love does not have to be earned. I still remember my bridesmaids' speech during my wedding. They called me loving. They said they loved me. I was speechless and felt that I didn't deserve it. Sure I love my husband but I never expected much of it back. How bizarre it was for me when he was always there for me and took care of me without a second thought. How bizarre it was for me when a friend pointed out that my husband loves me more than how other husbands love their wives.

All of these scars and self-punishment were from the way my mother programmed me from birth. No, I will never have a loving mother but that is okay. The notion of the Loving Mother is bade farewell in Susan's book. I learned to say that it's okay. Moreover, I can be a loving mother to myself. And just because I never received the nurture I needed, it doesn't mean that I can't be a loving mother when I have children.

Most importantly, my rights are spelled out. I no longer need to feel guilty. It was my right to live my life the way I wanted. It is MY choice whether I want to have my mother in my life. If I am ever urged or criticized again to have my mother in my life, that person will be on the receiving end of some very good non-defensive communication.

1,033 people found this helpful

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Amazon Customer

One of the best!

Reviewed in the United States on June 30, 2016

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This book is a must-read for daughters (and sons) who have or had an unloving mother. What I particularly appreciate about this book is the excellent guidance that the authors provide in working through the process of healing from the emotional abuse and neglect from a narcissistic, smothering, battering, and/or controlling mother. It is one of the few books for adult survivors of child abuse that actually has helped me begin to heal from the emotional and physical abuse and neglect that I experienced as a child. What I have learned from this book has also strengthened the relationship that I have with my adult daughter. And the book has given me a roadmap on how to deal with my aging mother who still is emotionally abusive.

127 people found this helpful

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Shay

Really Helpful, but hits the mark in some places

Reviewed in the United States on April 16, 2018

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So for the most part, I think this was a great book. I am all about having exercises, scripts, mantras, and practices to work with, and I feel like this book was a great balance of mental changes with active changes.

For the most part, I also really agreed with the content - it did not victim blame as many resources on the subject tend to do, and it left room for the survivor to make their own choice on how to proceed while preparing them with resources and likely outcomes. Very empowering!

What I would have liked better was for the book to be more careful in how it discusses mental illness. I think it’s got a good start with differentiating a mother’s choice to behave poorly from mental illness as a condition. However, it was unsettling to me that the book only talked about mental illness as a way to explain some of a mother’s behavior - which I think strengthens a cultural misperception we have, where we think bad behavior is caused by mental illness or that mental illness makes you a hurtful person. What about the daughters who may have developed mental illnesses themselves from their mothers’ poor parenting, but are working to be good and healthy people? The book could have been more careful and more representative here.

Second, a lot of the book’s examples of how to have a better relationship with your mom focused on the overly attached mom. I would have liked more examples of how to work with angry, controlling moms, and how those situations can play out.

69 people found this helpful

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September MorneTop Contributor: Coloring

Helpful, but healing still needs to be done.

Reviewed in the United States on January 21, 2015

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I think this book is helpful for learning the different types of abusers, developing some coping strategies, and for moving forward with your life in a healthier way. My mother fit almost every category in the book and the abuse she and my father inflicted on myself and my siblings caused long-standing problems for all of us. Her abusive behavior continued well into my adult years,and I tolerated it, not knowing any better, until I became physically ill and was hospitalized. That was when I first learned she was abusive and I was allowing it to go on! Needless to say, she hasn't been a part of my life for many years now, but the damage was already done. I have been in counseling, have attended al-anon meetings, and have read numerous self-help books, including other books by Dr. Forward. I find her style of writing is easy for me to read and understand and I like her use of personal case stories. There are so many times I read what has happened to someone else and can completely relate because the same thing happened to me! Her suggestions on how to deal with the pain and grief of specific incidents were very helpful. This book was not easy for me to get through because of the emotions some of the exercises unleashed. It took me over 6 months to finish it, but when I did, I felt that I finally had a handle on what had happened to me, both in understanding the whys, and discovering ways to work through the emotional pain. It's been almost as long since I finished the book. I wish I could say that was the end of it, but I don't think you can ever get past that kind of treatment completely. It seems to rear its ugly head at the times you least expect it. At least now I have some tools to put it back in its place.

217 people found this helpful

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Oh, it's her.

An honest look at bad mothers

Reviewed in the United States on June 29, 2014

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The concept that mothers are good people by virtue of pushing a baby out of her nether-regions is pervasive. I don't know how many times I've heard people say that my mother wouldn't act the way she does if only I'd been a good child, or that my mother loved me in her own way and I just didn't understand, or even that I could have had it worse because she didn't hit me as much as others.

This book helped me realize that my mother's imperfections, projections, and most of all her abuse, were not my fault. I had already been on the path of healing but deep down I blamed myself for all of it.

The author is completely honest about how toxic some relationships can be. What I find particularly important is that she doesn't force you to think that every relationship is salvageable, unlike some other therapists and authors. Sometimes they won't change, sometimes they won't learn, and sometimes they will continue to abuse even worse than before. She tells you that it's okay to let go, and that you don't have to sacrifice your own health to pretend that the cultural script of "Mother's always right" is, well, always right.

327 people found this helpful

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CathiFromCali

This is a great book for anyone who has been raised by a ...

Reviewed in the United States on April 29, 2015

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This is a great book for anyone who has been raised by a mother who is emotionally and/or physically abusive. I feel like I am hearing from another person who has been through exactly what I went through. It helped me come to terms with the fact that my mother did not love me. I always knew it but could never talk about it with anyone because they didn't understand. This author does understand exactly what I am feeling and through this book I could finally see that I am far from the only one who has a mother that is dark inside. Mine was the type that took a sadistic pleasure in hurting me emotionally and at times physically. If you miss out on your mother's love I think that is the saddest thing for anyone because they grow up not knowing what it is like to be loved. That has lifelong crippling circumstances especially when choosing a mate and friends. I've had a lifetime of tolerating unacceptable behavior because I felt it was my fault or somehow I deserved it.

105 people found this helpful

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SuzyQ

Informative and Extremely Helpful

Reviewed in the United States on July 24, 2018

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I was SO tired of hearing girls and women say that their mothers were 'difficult' or that their relationship was 'strained.' The woman who raised me is toxic poison. If that sounds like your type of situation, I highly recommend this book.
This book really helped me. I always thought that I was the only one with a mother who said and did this kind of crap. The book is written by a therapist and contains personal stories from women that she's helped. The therapist and author splits mothers into five categories:
1. The severely narcissistic mother (But what about me?)
2. The overly enmeshed mother (You are my whole life.) **I call this the smother.
3. The control freak (Because I said so.)
4. Mothers who need mothering (I depend on you to take care of everything.)
5. Mothers who neglect, betray, and batter (You're always causing trouble.)
I can't say what a relief it was to read this book and find out that my mother falls into most of the aforementioned categories, with one or two really pinning it down. I finally felt like someone got it. Some of the stories of these women were almost exactly like my own, it was scary at times. Just reading through those women's stories helped me so much.
At the end of the book, the author gives some exercises and examples on how to move on and get though the abuse. She recommends therapy, but honestly, that's why I bought the book in the first place. I'm that kind of person, though...therapy doesn't really work for me. This book did, though. I highly recommend it.

17 people found this helpful

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Y.Annette

Describes my Mother to a T

Reviewed in the United States on November 7, 2019

Verified Purchase

Thank you Dr. Susan Forward for being the first person ever to clearly explain why my mother of 56 years is the way she is. I no longer have to wait and hope that she will love me....and I am finally ok with that! Besides my beloved husband of 36 years, this book has been the greatest gift. I have endured a lifetime of torment and was STUCK and unable to move forward with life. All I ever wanted was to be loved by my mother. I blamed myself and could never understand why, no matter how much I gave of myself or how hard I tried, it was never(nor ever will be, I now comprehend) enough. You have freed my mind and soul. I can breathe, grow and be at peace. I haven't finished reading your book, but wanted you to know how much comfort I feel while reading. You write as if speaking directly to the reader and it feels personal. You are incredible and awesome. Thank you for sharing your gift with daughters like me! I never knew there were so many mothers out there just like mine!

8 people found this helpful

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