Top critical review
Was it the flavor packet?
Reviewed in the United States on December 21, 2018
I’ve always steered away from spicy foods, generally because I like it, but it typically doesn’t like me...After deep thought for two weeks, I decided to give it a try, considering that it had peaked my interest and curiosity as if I was Ralphie from ‘A Christmas Story,’ yearning for an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle. I received the product, 38% of the noodles had already been ‘Hulk Smashed’ by a UPS employee. Cooking the noodles was EASY, but just opening the wrapper to gain access to the noodles had me sweating bullets. The mix-in flavor packet was dark and murky with the consistency of pig vile. The noodles were pleasing to my taste buds, with just enough heat to make me smile like a schoolboy. THIS IS WHERE I HAD THE URGENCY OF REGRET. 35 minutes later, as I watched reruns of Seinfeld, I felt a sensation in my lower abdominal that can only be compared to Mike Tyson repeatedly body punching Larry Holmes in the 80’s. My little sphincter had had IT! I gently rise my buttocks off of the couch, clinching with every muscle I had back there. The cold sweats have kicked in, and I shuffle my size 10’s down the hallway, inching towards the bathroom. It must’ve been a mile away from where I started. I sit on the toilet, and what releases from my bowels could’ve been Linda Blair from ‘The Exorcist.’ It truly sounded like a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. I spent half of the night back and forth from the bathroom, intestines contracting like an accordion. Since then, I’ve recovered, but I think I’m done for awhile. Back to triscuit crackers and sprite. Needless to say, my tastebuds won but my bowels will never be the same...