Top critical review
Here's what'll happen if you take this to the beach
Reviewed in the United States on July 17, 2020
1) You'll go to the beach on a blazing hot day.
2) There will be an occasional breeze, but it won't be windy. Kids will be struggling to keep kites in the air.
3) You'll unpack your shelter and stake it (the first step of the instructions).
4) After you put in the sixth stake (of six), the first two stakes will have popped out. Naturally, because you are using tent stakes in sand.
5) You'll put the stakes back in. Three more stakes will pop out. You'll try again.
6) You'll figure if you move fast, maybe they'll stay.
7) You'll move fast.
8) You'll be hot. It's hot. There'll be no shade, naturally.
9) You'll put the poles together because you'll have made the mistake of buying a beach shelter with tent poles. Four shock poles. Four very long tent poles which you'll be putting together on a 95 degree day on the beach.
10) The stakes will have come back out.
11) You'll put them back.
12) You'll give up on the stakes for now.
13) It'll be so hot.
14) You'll thread two of the poles into the pole slots but fourth one is not going in.
15) You'll maneuver it and the stakes come out. Because (see step 4) you are putting tent stakes into sand.
16) You'll get the pole in and the whole thing becomes a large sail and starts to sail away.
17) You'll recover and reinsert the stakes but now the pole will be mostly out again.
18) People will be staring.
19) No one will offer to help because a) it'll be a pandemic and b) you are a spectacle and people will want to see how this ends.
20) Heat stroke might be setting in.
21) You'll get three of the poles in.
22) Stakes will be out and buried in the sand. Screw them.
23) You'll get the last pole in the pole guide. YES.
23) You'll insert two of the poles in the grommets and the tent will start to turn into a tent shape.
24) You'll ask why you thought this was so hard?
25) Then you'll start to get dehydrated. It will have been 30 minutes. You won't be able to get your water bottle because it'll taking two hands to hold the tent and you'll be holding it in place with both feet.
26) You'll get one more pole in the grommet. The other pole will pops out.
27) The entire thing will take the shape of a parasail now. A light gust of wind will flop it over.
28) A pole will come out of the pole guide. But now the tent will be mostly assembled and you WILL NOT DISASSEMBLE IT so you will try to get it back in without taking the other poles out of their grommets. If you do, the entire thing will come apart.
29) The pole won't go through the guide to reach the grommet. It won't round the corner of the tent now that it's assembled.
30) You will work on this for an actual 15 minutes and finally take apart the shock pole and reassemble it inside the guide.
32) The tent will now be assembled, albeit upside down and with no stakes. They will now be buried in the sand.
33) You will put it right-side-up and, holding it with your feet, and put in one stake at a time, going around the tent. By the time you get around to where you started, the first stake will be a goner.
34) Luckily, you'll be on a beach with large rocks and you'll put two inside the tent to hold it in place.
35) The tent will be full of sand.
36) It'll also backwards and you'll have a lovely view of the parking lot.
37) Who cares? You will probably have heat stroke so you'll go in the water.
38) You will float there and recover.
39) Ten minutes later, you will look up and see that the tent has flopped over on its side.
40) You will get up and throw two more large rocks inside to hold it in place - one in each corner.
41) You will go back in the water.
42) Another ten minutes later, the tent will have somehow managed to flop over so that the rocks will all be in the corners but the tent is on its side. You won't be able to explain it but it will have happened.
43) You will take the tent down.
44) The tent has been up for a shorter period of time than it took you to put it up.
45) You will realize you need to get it back in the bag or you won't be able to get it to the car with all of your other stuff.
46) You will also realize that Coleman thinks you are going to fold a tent on the beach and that it needs to be folded neatly on the beach, in the wind, in order for it to fit in the bag.
47) You will shove it in the bag. The poles won't fit. The stakes will be gone.
48) The zipper will break when you try to zip up the bag.
49) There will no shade.
50) You will go home.
51) You will return the tent and buy ANY OTHER TENT THAN THIS ONE.