Top positive review
Great Book for Polyam People AND Their Therapists
Reviewed in the United States on December 1, 2020
There are books about polyamory, and books about attachment, and books about trauma, but as far as I know, this is the first to put them all together in one cohesive theory/work.
Possibly because it's the middle of the pandemic, and my reading brain isn't as sharp, but the beginning chapters of the book were a little dry and hard for me to get into. However, the middle and ending were both more readable, and helpful.
One concept the author touched on that I'd never seen before, is our childhood attachment patterns might be MIXED. We might have had one parent/adult to whom we enjoyed a secure attachment, and another who was inconsistent, even abusive/traumatic. As this translates to polyamory, we might have one partner to whom we are securely attached, and another with whom our attachment is anxious, avoidant, or mixed, possibly because they push those same buttons. This was tremendously helpful for me.
The book acknowledges the many different ways people "poly:" from an existing monogamous relationship, as solo polyam, from swinging, and more, makes it more accessible to all the different kinds of people seeking to be polysecure. It also addresses the issue of whether people are inherently polyamorous (born this way), or it's a lifestyle choice, and the answer seems to be, Yes. Some people DO feel they were born polyamorous, and others choose it as a lifestyle, and neither position is wrong, BUT having partners with different outlooks can create friction within that relationship, even though both parties are polyamorous.
The HEARTS concept of attaching to our partners, and even, to ourselves, also great. Relationships aren't like bookcases from Ikea - each one is different, BUT having concrete steps to take to improve a relationship that we might not have thought of, is great. I also really liked the last section, on building a more secure relationship with ourselves.
Every polyamorous person, and every therapist who works with polyamorous people, should put a copy of this book on their shelves.